What do I have to hide? How much of myself is too much to put on display? I've been thinking about such things for a bit. Long time no entry, what happened? Nothing really, I've been as I always have been. Yesterday I got home from a weekend trip to Vegas. Spent the day there for Memorial weekend with my mom and dad and bought new shoes.

I'm an open person, atleast I think that's how I come off. I don't actively change myself for others, at least not anymore. I used to! But not anymore. I'm not sure what I really hide anymore. I guess in times of great stress I tend to isolate. I'm trying to work on that. Besides that, aren't I an open person? I mean, I'm writing this entry on a website that anyone can come across, anyone at all. Isn't that weird? Shouldn't I be paranoid? But.. I'm not. I guess I've broken past the anxiety and mortifying ordeal of being known. What can hurt me? What can hurt my feelings? Nothing, really. I'm jaded in a way, I subject myself to seeing a lot of bad things and I suppose I'm just detached from it all now. I can't bring myself to feel any sort of way when bad things happen outside of "I'm sorry that happened to you" or "I hope you feel better soon." I'm not moved by much anymore. I hope that isn't a bad thing. I don't think I'm dead inside, I'm still very passionate about things and such I just. I don't know. I still don't understand empathy and sympathy. I care deeply for those in my life, I hope that's enough.

I recently sort of reconnected with someone I knew all the way back in elementary school up until sometime in high school. I was surprised, I didn't think people from back then still thought about me. I didn't think I impacted anyone that deeply to where I'm still worried about, but I think that's the joy in human connection and such isn't it? Uh, where was I going with this. Oh um. Yeah so I reconnected with her, I'm glad she's doing well. She may very well be reading this right now, in which case hi! I'm glad you reached out, thank you. I'm bad at one-on-one conversations (always have been) so I hope you can forgive my poor communication. I'm a weirdo, and I know that you know this quite well considering how long we've been friends. Haha.

That recent incident has me thinking about my other best friend I had back in school who I sort of drifted away from. I hope she's doing well. I don't really like reconnecting with people, I don't like being reminded of sad times of my life. The only time I reach out to people from my past myself is if I have something I feel I need to apologize for. This has only happened like, once though. It took a bit of internal back and forth but i was able to get closure with both me and that person. Anyways. When I decided to drop off and delete all my social media tied to high school and irls I wasn't in a very good state of mind. Do I regret it though? ..No, not really! I'm way happier now, actually! I was paranoid, anxious, depressed, etc. in high school. I'm way happier now that I don't have to keep up appearances or worry about things that don't matter. I can be myself. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I feel sad every now and then about how much I must have missed out in high school but.. In the long term, those four years are just a blip in time compared to the rest of my life. I won't dwell on it.

My cough is getting better. I'm grateful for that. Um, what else. Ahhh. I don't have much else to say really. I'm doing okay, and that's all that really matters, haha. A friend showed me this song a while ago and I like it because it's related to Demian by Hermann Hesse. I'm gonna have my dad buy me some other Hesse novels (as if I don't have other books to finish lol) so I look forward to when those arrive.

mental illness is such a weird thing. i had an epiphany the other night. my parents started turning the internet off at night again because im always up late. really frustrating because i dont really see a problem with my sleep schedule? i get my schoolwork done and i still eat, just at a really later time!! STUPID!! anyways the other night or so ago i was left to my own devices for a bit and i realized that damn. i think im depressed. again. i went down a spiral of various online tests and frantically googled "am i lazy or depressed" and. yeah. i think im just depressed again. very very mildly. i feel the physical effects more than anything. im sure i'll be okay i'm just. siiiiiiiiigh, yknow? its probably why i havent been journaling as much recently, i just. cant bring myself to really write about anything. nothing has changed at all these past few months. im still fixated on limbus, im still doing schoolwork, etc. i might snap soon but for now im fine, and ill try to keep it that way.

ive been reading a bit more of the divine comedy by dante alghieri and i like it so far. theres some parts i dont really understand too well though. maybe i should have done a preliminary reading or skim of the bible? oh well, too late now. i can also read don quixote but that book is sooo tiny!! so ill finish divine comedy first instead.

it's summertime, so i packed my heated blanket away. bed feels a lot smoother! my mom is gonna take me to get a haircut soon so i'm excited for that, im very overdue for one! i dont wanna go to the philippines in a few months. i dont want to be away from friends. all the concerts that interested me are on days where i'll be in the philippines.. its frustrating. oh well. for my graduation gift i'll be getting a new phone! im finally moving away from the SE. im not entirely ready to let go of my homebutton but im sure ill adapt just fine. and dont say "just get an android" im too brainlet koi fish to adjust, okay? im a simple guy, okay?

my friend got me into elsword. im not super into it yet but im having fun. im playing noah. i like his story so far, its really cool! i also played roblox with some twitter friends. my rsd is insane but i did well i think and i had a lot of fun! im just bad at new people and a bit shy. but its ok. i had fun and thats what matters <3

thats about it i think. my coughing has gone down which is good. im happy about that. i managed to shower yesterday too. yay. im grateful for books, my drawing tablet, and music. speaking of music i made a new playlist. i found my party power speaker adn ive been using it, i cocomelon out on the cool colors. anyways the playlist doesnt really have a name or an icon, im too lazy to come up with one. its just radiohead, car seat headrest, and mili.

damnnn what happened to trying to consistently make an entry.. im doing fine i just.. i dunno i just didnt feel like writing much down. ive been drawing a lot!! i wanna get good at anatomy so i can draw yuri and yaoi and yxxi. i drew men naked and blushing yesterday after rereading demian again it was like a demon overtook me..

i hate business math so much.. i hate MATH so much.. auugh. happy mothers day i love my mom even if she gets on my nerves sometimes. my mom has been nagging me about my health and how im underweight which ticks me off because i genuinely just cannot gain weight no matter how hard i try. thats starting to become a source of insecurity for me but god forbid i express that to my family because theyll offer solutions and shit instead of comfort. it's okay, i wont let it get me down for too long. I BOUNCE BACK BABY!!

lately ive been. i dunno, lamenting my loneliness? its something that comes and passes so i wont be down for long. i love being in love, i love what love stands for and all that. i can only seem to be vulnerable and affectionate when im in a relationship and i guess im lamenting my lack of romance in life right now. but as i said, this feeling will pass, that's something i know for sure. i cant just sit around and wait for the love of my life to spawn right in front of me, that's not how it works. relationships are something you build with someone together. things will fall into place eventually, i just need to be around for it. which i will be. im not really afraid of being vulnerable or anything anymore, i just find it hard to believe that i can be loved sometimes. thats what self-love is for, right? i got a lot to love about myself. im funny, im passionate, i make my friends smile. im smart and im intelligent, so on and so forth. im literally the best. it's quite literally too easy.

in other news, im still coughing. my mom bought me some protein shake things, cough medicine, and some other stuff. ill get better soon, thats a fact! this coughing fit will pass..

other than that not much has really happened since the last entry. yayyyy! im proud of my art progress and im grateful for my friends.

oops no entry in five days ive been sorta busy!! i recently picked up my graduation regalia so that's chilling in my closet now.. mm aside from that im just going through the motions again. still coughing T_T been napping so much too. im so snoozepilled.. my bad didn't mean to do that!

i wanna study anatomy.. but ughhh STUDYING anatomy UGHHHH. I HATE STUDYING!! I WISH I WAS INSTANTLY A PRO AT EVERYTHING I TRY AT T_T im gonna be drawing demian a lot. i like demian I HATE HIM SOO MUCH i feel crazy. i love the book so fuckeing much i kind of want to buy like five million different copies and annotate each one differently.

umm aside from thatttttttt ive been okay ive been a little sad but as a wise man named roland once said. that's that and this is this. god bless. ive been thinking about making a side account on twitter for art but i didnt wanna make an entirely new account. first i tried to get my old account back but that didn't work so i thought about my current accounts. i have a deep priv acc with one follower on it where i vented about stuff i didnt feel good about saying on my normal vent account so im thinking of recycling that account since i havent used that account since.. last year LOL. all my recent tweets on it are about my ex and it's amusing seeing the progression from "oh, this person i dont know too well confessed to me" to "we're dating" to "oh my god did they kill themselves" and then back to "ohhh im just paranoid again. got it. the guilt is neverending." i think it's fun using twitter as an easy to access diary. if making entries on my neocities journal was that easy i'd probably make WAY more entries LOL but yeah i requested my data for that acc and in a few weeks ill have a new account to post art on. yay!

i've been thinking a lot about the story of lobotomy corporation, library of ruina, and project moon's world as a whole. i went on a whole rant on twitter so ill just paste that here since i agree with my 1am ramblings still. the following was written at 1:30AM.

i think the biggest thing i love about library of ruina and i guess project moon as a whole is how the lack of freedom and agency over ones life is portrayed. these people are put into a fucked up city forced to survive the greatest horrors known to man: capitalism, but also the Horrors. even in such a horrific state they don't stop dreaming for a better tomorrow, even in such bleak circumstances there is always that hope for a better day. Some people are resigned and broken down by it but it's still possible to persist. Angela's character arc throughout lc and lor is so so gut wrenching to me. this girl who was unwanted at birth and had no control over her life, she Wanted to be kind, Wanted to be acknowledged, but the loops just broker her down and made her more cynical, by the end of it she's vengeful, bitter and most of all Selfish. and then in LoR she learns to become human, she's confronted by what haunts her and grows from it. she isn't a machine anymore, she's her own person this woman whose been through absolute hell and was bent on revenge becomes a human. through all her trials and tribulations, through all of that she managed to persevere and get through to the other side. She survived it all and at the end of the day she wasnt as alone as she initially thought she'd be. she found friendship in the librarians and in roland. roland is also a really good fucking character in his own way too and his arc also guts me. Also the sephirah in general are just. Ughhhhhhhhh. Fuckkkk i love project moon so fucking much man. the only person who can make a change is us, ourselves. we all have that seed for potential but we have to take the steps ourselves. no one is going to take those steps for us, no one can save us but ourselves but when it gets hard that's what friends are for. to support us. now im thinking about demian (NOVEL. THE BOOK.) and the messages and themes in there too fuckkkkkkk. learning to cope and live with all the facets and aspects of yourself is truly a wonderful thing indeed and really does instill a sense of peace within oneself. more often than not you're not taking baby steps out of your comfort zone and instead thrown headfirst into that harsh reality, and no matter how badly you want it you simply cannot go back to the way things were. but that doesn't necessarily spell disaster. it gets worse before it gets better, a sort of purging period if you will. you lose everything before you gain anything. sinclairs journey throughout the book is so interesting to me because you have this kid, this Child whose entire world shatters and it's all of his own doing. this downward spiral is temporarily eased but in the end all the comforts he finds himself in is temporary and he knows that he can't stay in that warmth forever. everything is fleeting and the only constant is ourselves. I'm too tired to continue this tangent but I really love Demian (NOVEL. BOOK.)

lots of text, huh? yeah yeha i know. i also rewatched the xiao fight today and fuckk i love her so much. "Even if I am alone, night will come." UGH SHE'S SO PEAK FUCKKK.

mm. what else. ive been saying mm a lot lately wow. oh yeah. my mom wants me to get a job soon after i graduate, and to that i say "nooooo XC" she wants me to try remote jobs as customer service reps for delta/southwest airlines which is like ok. if i do that. i cannot drive. please know this. thanks. i can NOT split my focus like that I CAN ONLY BE FOCUSED ON ONE MAJOR THING AT A TIME OK!! I WISH MY BRAIN WASNT LIKE THIS BELIEVE ME.

ahhhhh that's all i think. here's a song i really like right now!

today i did homework, sent emails, played my first d&d session, and watched higurashi with my friends!

homework was pretty easy, just time consuming and tedious. i finished almost all my assignments except for two math assignments but i did half of each one so technically i only have one math assignment left! i hate math soo much.

i need to order my cap and gown for graduation so i'm patiently waiting for the online store to update them. i emailed and got two different answers! if the regalia isnt on the website then i guess im gonna have to just go in person to get it. dont wanna do that.

my first d&d session was really fun, i enjoyed it a lot! i thought it'd be more difficult but i think i did really well! im just a bit scatterbrained and love multitasking so i needed to really focus in but other than that it was great! im using my sinclair d20 for my rolls, it's so fun!!! my character is constantly crying so i had to also make constant crying sounds. it got to a point where my mom texted me asking if i was okay LMFAO

during d&d the new sinclair ncorp id dropped and i had to stop checking twitter because i didnt want to be spoiled ): i love sinclair so much, his toxic codependency on faust really fucking shines through in his new voicelines like wowww holy shit dude i knew you were overdependent but WOWWWW from his characterization TO HIS FUCKING KIT he's reliant on faust to stop him from corroding and fucking shit up. i honestly really love his playstyle, it's so fucking fun. id love to ship sinfaust but unfortunately i do not want to be lumped in with krosin shippers. also ncorp as a whole is really fucking bad LOL. ill stick to my demisin yaoi, sorry. speaking of demian, i dont think im beating the demian allegations. im so fucking scared. hes just like me. hes just like me for real, if demian was filipino and a bit too silly. i hope we see more of him in future chapters. i also hope he doesn't get killed off. but also it is a project moon game. oh well. i can dream, right?

still coughing btw, im trying to get rested but im always so restless when im sick, moreso than usual. ill be okay though!!!!!!!!!

oh, i also got the new spotify update where it shows you who liked your playlists. cool i guess? i dont really care. maybe if i was super mentally ill still but idgaf anymore. so cool that some randy idk likes my demisin playlist i guess. what exactly am i supposed to do with this information? useless to me.

ive been thinking about moving my site to netlify. im not really sure yet. it's probably infinitely easier to update my site thru github but i really like the interaction and sense of community that neocities has u_u i love interacting with others in small ways!! maybe theres a way to update neocities through github? im too lazy to check

today i was grateful for the spotify playlist my friend made for me, mili, my grandma, LIMBUS COMPANY, my bedsheets, and my friends!

i wanna try and make more entries and just type whatevers on my mind, like before i think. ive been really really sleepy lately, i think im sick again. i think i mentioned this before but yeah. i made mac and cheese for dinner today. i got pretty far before my family backseated and did stuff for me.. dont get me wrong, im grateful. but i wish they had more faith in me. i mean, its fucking mac and cheese. how do you fuck that up. how do you NOT trust me to not fuck up MAC AND CHEESE!! ITS FUCKING MAC AND CHEESE ITS SO EASY. anyways yeah im stil coughing and its taking a lot of energy out of me. sucks. whatever, ill get well soon, surely.

i recently redrew a gift i made for a friend in like 2019, im really happy with how it turned out! they use it as a twitter header and ive been wanting to redraw it so i did. ive been drawing a lot more recently, it makes me happy. i like drawing. i want to get better at art without the practiceing part. speaking of getting good at things, i think im getting better at valorant! i mean, ive always been pretty.. okay. ive just been noticing my performance more recently. i always put myself down but recently ive been midfragging, it makes me happy to see that. like, wow im good at shooter game for baby idiots. wowie.

my duvet cover has been pissing me off recently. i kinda wanna get little pully tabs for it so that it sticks to the corners.. weh. i love making my bed its fun. just laying on top of my bed after putting the sheets out.. it's peak. wonderful. splendid even.

ive just been a bit tired recently i guess. i always feel tired always always always but staying in bed doesnt do anything for me so i try and stay awake.. maybe im hurting myself this way but idk what else to do lol

baizhu banner dropped today. i got him (: im too lazy to update my genshin log.. lol but i got him and his weapon, i just need to farm the new boss more.. i needed my friend to show me where the boss was since i didnt explore the new area. ive been so fixated on limbus.. weeh. i love project moon so much.. ive been rewatching cutscenes and rereading the art book and leviathan and fuckkk i love everything about it so much. it's peak..

what else.. nothing much really. lol. today i was grateful for my friends, for my warm bed, for my pillows, and my grandma!

the month of may doesn't mean much to me, there's nothing of particular interest happening in it but i hope this month will be a good one! i've been coughing lately and that's been a bit annoying. i just finished the new journal layout, felt like changing it up LOL! i like how it turned out, hehehehahahaha. i mostly made this to procastinate doing schoolwork. i mean, it's monday so i didnt HAVE to do schoolwork today but my friend wanted to do school stuff so i did stuff with them. also i joined a friends d&d group! im excited to participate in my first session, my character is so fucking funny. his name is harbert.

i've been coughing lately and it's kind of annoying but i'm sure i'll be fine! i don't think it's covid. last night i vacuumed and cleaned my room. its sort of uselss to do since it will get messy again anyways but it still makes me feel good in the end. the odyssey definitely had a purpose.. other than that i havent really been up to much. ive been watching my friend play through the mafia series. i remember playing mafia 2 on my xbox 360, i thought it was just a GTA knockoff. turns out it has a story! a mid story but its still a story. had some interesting points but yeah.

i wish all my friends could be friends with eachother. what happened to peace and love on planet earth? nothing in particular triggered this its just a thought i had while writing.

april was pretty okay, i dont really remember most of it because lol limbus lmao and i did spend some of it worrying about friends but personally i turned out okay! i had some dips in mood but hey that's to be expected. i wont get mad at myself for that. ive been doing some soul searching and i just came to the conclusion that things are gonna be okay. ill slip up sometimes but thats okay. life isnt as unforgiving as people make it out to be. you get second chances, third chances, and more. i already knew this but its been cemented in my brain now haha.

thats all for now i think. i hope this month is a good one!