today i finished a game i was working on, yaaay!

aside from that ive been looking forward to anime expo! im also working on a design for a demian plush yay yay yay! got more printer ink too its about to get CRAZY!!

ive been talking with a friend about character playlists and music, i love abraxas trio soooo much!!!! i read a bit of steppenwolf today in my backyard. didnt read tooooo much but so far wow this harry haller guy has borderline traits. kind of a king for that tbh. WHEREWAS I. ive been listening to some new artists because of my friends character playlists. this song is crazyyyyy!!

theres a lot of other songs i wanna share but eeeeeeek! also wow everytime spotify makes a new ui update it looks like SHIT like STOP CHANGING SHIT!!! FUCK!!!

also yesterday i went with a friend to the museum and tried the grimace shake!! i actually got the grimace meal too. it was good. it made my tummy all rumbly tumbly. it made me sleep for four hours. i want another one. happy birthday grimace. the museum was fun too!! it was my suggestion. i was itching to go to a museum. i learned things and goofed around. yay!

eeeeeeeeeerm what else. ummm nope nothing else on my mind. my next big purchase is gonna be the demian plush though. yay ya yayy yay i think im autistic. i mean. not really think at this point LOLLLL but im happy im really happy.

I've been doing a lot better since my last entry! Wow that stuff was embarassing, what the fuck was I on about there? Anyways I've been keeping myself busy. I started and finished a new project for Limbus Company. I made a website to read the entire main story and I'm really satisfied with how it came out! I surprised my friends at how fast I made it LOL. I made it look like the old Ensemble Stars wiki stories before it got nuked it was so fun to make. Now that I have the entire story on hand without having to go and open the game I was able to theorycraft to my hearts content! Demian. Demian drives me fucking insane. Fuck. Check this shit out

Does that look like the ramblings of a sane person? Yeah. Thought so. I love Limbus Company so much. I LOVE PROJECT MOON. AAAAAH!! I also bought tickets to Anime Expo I'm so fucking excited to go see the Mili concert! I'm gonna do a closet cosplay of Ayin HEHEHE I'm so so excited fuck FUCK

I've been a lot better since I've been keeping myself busy. I simply will not acknowledge the growing emptiness and will focus on what makes me happy! Yayyy! AUGHH I LOVE CONTRIBUTING TO FAN COMMUNITIES AHHHH

I guess one worry I've had as of late is popularity. 600 people is a lot of people. I know like, half of them are inactive but god. Big scary number. Eek. I won't dwell on it too much though. FUCK IT WE BALL!!

It's been about a week since I graduated. What have I been doing?

Nothing

I've been doing nothing

I've been playing a lot of limbus company lately. I started a new project as well, a library for easy access to observation logs in the game.

Other than that

nothing

My copy of Steppenwolf as well as Narcissus and Goldmund (both by Hermann Hesse) arrived. I've been reading them on and off. I also read the Little Prince, although a pdf. I hope I can get a physical copy soon

I don't know how I feel now

I think I hate you

I don't hate you

Honestly, this entry is just me procastinating on getting in bed. I don't know.

I don't know how to feel about the fact that I exist in peoples heads when I'm not around. It's not a two-way street where I don't think about that person and they dont think of me. People think of me. That's so weird. Why? I wish I could erase my existence from some peoples heads. Not even people I hate.. just in general.

Empathy, Sympathy, I don't understand that either

I'm tired. I'm tired

I really liked the new chapter in Limbus Company, it was really good and very well done. I've heard OF people complaining about it but haven't seen actual complaints with my own eyes. Yi Sang has been a favorite of mine even before Limbus Company came out and I'm glad his chapter is over. It was so satisfying, I loved it! Demian at the end too?! Wow!!

Hanging out with new people is always nervewracking. Being invited to servers is scary. If there's too many channels or too many people I don't know I always back away from it.. It's not that I hate those things it's just.. I don't know. I'm used to groupchats and less channels and less people! 20 is the max for my brain!

My memory is bad.

Erm, what else?!

I should head to bed now actually

This entry is kind of a nothing burger, sorry!

I hope the full version of this comes out soon, I love it so much!

i graduated college today. yes, on 6/9. funny, i know! two associate degrees and one certificate. im officially a neet, and entering a new chapter of my life. in the graduation hall I kept tearing up. the night before i was reading som of yi sang's works. a letter to my sister really hit me hard, right where it hurts. here's my favorite excerpt from it.

You feel the love you always had for your siblings only after you have been separated from them. 

I shall study for three years, too. And I will escape the humiliation of this abnormal life. When that happens, let us meet again with brighter, livelier faces. No matter what, please return home as soon as possible once you succeed in the way you hope for. 

Of course, because you are a woman, you were bound to leave our home at one point for another man’s house, so this whole event has only made what was bound to happen happen much sooner than expected. It has certainly surprised our parents, but I am fine. 

Anyways, because of what you have done, I have understood much about myself. I will wake up, too.

I am worried that your slight frame will have a tough time withstanding the severe northern weather. Never forget to take care of yourself. For poor people like us, our body is the one and only possession we have. It is our last belonging. 

Please write to me.

Even if the whole world turns against you, remember that I am always on your side. The world is wide. There will be many things that will surprise you, and there will be many things that you will learn.

fuck, i started tearing up again. actually, it seems like im just full on crying as i type. its so good. its so fucking good. i couldnt even wipe my eyes because id been eating takis i had to grab a tissue. anyways, its so fucking good man. fuck. i thought of that poem while in the graduation hall and i was sitting there shaking trying not to cry.

my parents are proud of me. my mom told me the case worker i talked to a long time ago when i first opened up about my mental issues congratulated me on graduated. i didnt know i existed in peoples heads. i hope shes doing well. she works in san diego now. fuck, im still crying over the yi sang thing.

im gonna take it easy for the next two months and then ill start learning how to drive. i really am in a new chapter of my life, huh. i hope i can transition soon, atleast socially. i wanted to talk about it to my parents so so bad today. it was on my mind constantly. as i was getting my new phone they saw my preferred name everywhere. oh yeah, i got a new phone today. an iphone 13. its weird not having a home button anymore and i dont like the keyboard all too much but im sure ill get used to it. i need to order a case for it. i hope i can just stick my old pop-it onto it.

i had a lot of stuff in my google photos so i deleted some stuff today. i was able to let go of some screenshots of funny conversations i had with people i dont talk to anymore. ill never speak to them again anyways so it's fine.

not really sure what to do from now on. ill keep doing my best atleast. i love my family. i love my friends. im so grateful for everyone in my life. i love. i love. i love. and i will keep loving. and i will keep persisting. i dont know where im going but i will try my best.

busy week coming up. spent the weekend reading The Wings by Yi Sang and then some of his poetry. I really like his writing, and a day or so ago I updated the quote page with some lines from The Wings. Makes me excited. Got me in a reading mood so I started reading some new manga and reread some Mamiya routes while looking at excerpts from Demian. Connecting my interests together is so fun. I love Mamiya so much, it's such a special game to me and I'm so excited for Fall to come.

Body has felt weird as of lately. Sore and hurting. I don't know why. I can't allow myself a day of rest though, it's difficult sitting and doing nothing.

Toontown is fun. I've been playing it with my friends and I love fighting high roller. The music goes so hard.

Lately I've been thinking about people from my past coming back to me again. Scary. What would I even say to those people? Do I really feel sorry? I don't know. It's hard for me to gauge how much I care about people sometimes. Trying to be better, though. I hate feeling apathetic and empty. Maybe I should do cocaine (JOKE)

My sleep schedule is fucked. I'm getting a haircut soon. I have 2 essays to write, an exam, and then some assignments. After that I'm done with college and I'll graduate.

I feel. I don't know. I feel some sort of way. I've still been listening to Mama, I'm Swollen and man. Mannn. Ugh. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to sink my teeth into something and rip something out and consume it wholly. I want to dig my fingers into my own flesh and tear myself apart and see if there really is flesh and bone in there, I want to see the muscles move and the tendons hold myself together. I don't feel human, but I don't feel inhuman either. I don't feel anything but I feel something. What differentiates us from other animals? Our brains, right? Our capacity for thought, for learning.. Nature is beautiful. Have you heard of the Orca whale that carried her dead calf with her for two weeks? They grieve like we do. They feel loss, they hurt, they can't move on until they're ready to. Isn't that beautiful? It's gut wrenching to me. Oh, i'm crying now. I made myself cry typing all that. I'm so happy.

my typing patterns are something im hyper aware of. one second im typing like this. Other times it's in proper syntax. Most of my journal entries are typed in proper syntax. Just something I took note of just now I guess. I chatted with a friend and they said my use of proper syntax with my icon was scary. Funny!

Sometimes I forget that I exist in peoples minds. I'm thought about when we aren't speaking. That's crazy. How many people think about me? What do they think of me? Do they hate me? Like me? Love me? I won't be able to find out anyways so it's not worth worrying about but I still get curious from time to time. I struggle with defining myself, I rely on online quizzes to shove my character into a predetermined box and I rely on the opinions and views of others to define myself in a tangible way. If you take that all away who am I? It's like how if a tree falls and no ones around to hear it then did it really fall at all? Does that even make sense?! LOL!

I hate the idea of talent. I hate being called talented. Nothing comes easily to me. Don't sing such high praises. It's skill. I'm SKILLED. My mediocre skill is not a talent. I'm not talented, I'm capable.

Can't remember the last time I had a crush on someone. Sometimes I get fixated on people that I try to learn everything about them but I don't think that's a crush because I have no desire to really be in a relationship with that person. I'm just.. curious. I do this a lot. It's easy to stalk people. I don't do this out of malice or anything I just get.. curious. I find a random person, look into everything I can, and then move on. Usually I don't even say a word to them or even talk regularly to them! I was just bored and curious! Anyways, the last time I had a crush on someone.. Uh. Maybe 2020? Crushes are so weird to me anyways. I mean. I'm 19 I don't have a lot of life experience at all so. Who knows. I can't remember what it's like to have a crush on someone anymore. Oh well! I won't dwell on it.

Mm. I think that's all the thoughts. Good to empty the mind before bed! I should meditate more. No music for this entry, so here's a quote from one of Yi Sang's works: "Even after so many caresses, our hearts remain parallel and it feels like a rejection."

I've come to the realization that I have surpassed the number of completed drawings in 2022. Not counting art fight. That's pretty neat! Anyways today (yesterday?) I read some yuri and yaoi. Happy pride month! The Summer Hikaru Died is really good. I swear to god I went into it blind and even then I simply cannot escape Hermann Hesse. I hope my dad orders my books soon.

I graduate next week! I'm excited honestly, ahaha

Last month was okay. I had a bad day but that's just how it is.

Season 2 of Limbus company started today! I didn't have money for the battlepass so I opened commissions for 5 seconds and got both slots filled really quick and now I have the battle pass. This month will be me grinding the battle pass. I'm so fucking excited. I love Yi Sang and K Corp trio is so so cutes.

Pride month.. I want to go on testosterone by the end of this year. I'm gonna compile a bunch of sources to show my mom to hopefully get her to support me. I'm gonna try and focus on my health once I graduate as well. I dont know how successful I'll be but I'll try!! Summer time is always energizing for me, I love warm weather so much!!

I hit 1919 scrobbles on DEMIAN by Dreamcatcher. The bit is over. The joke is done. Was it worth it? Mm. Not really. But it's okay. Anyways, music time! I like this album. Namely I Couldn't Love You, From the Hips, and ESPECIALLY Let Me Up.