i spiraled a bit last night but it doesnt even matter because i think im developing a crush on someone LOL ok well its not really a crush i just really really wanna learn more about this person we aren't that close (im. bad at interpeting closeness and boundaries) and all our conversations only pertain to our one mutual interest and it dies off when it gets even a tiny bit personal BUT THAT JUST MAKES ME MORE CURIOUS!! FUCK!! its not a crush but i feel like that one image sooo fucking much

LIKEEE okay im well aware that i am being utterly delusional and idealizing the unknown but it makes me happy so i will ruminate on what i do not know. i havent even had a full conversation with this person and it will go nowhere but im bored as fuck LET PEOPLE HAVE FUN. not a crush. not wanting to be friends. but a secret third, more sinister thing . THE WAY THIS STARTED TOO WAS SO FUNNY BC I JUST TOOK A NAP AND HAD A DREAM THAT I CAN BARELY RECALL AND NOW IM LIKE (gestures vaguely towards myself) LIKE THIS!!! it doesnt matter whatever i wont pursue this further unless they open up to me but FUCKK I FEEL SO ALIVE WHEN THEY MESSAGE ME ITS LIKE GETTING AN INSANE DOPAMINE HIT i know nothing about them. literally nothing. LOLLL

aside from that im getting ready for my trip!!! gah, i really dont wanna go but i have to. im gonna bring my laptop and drawing tablet as well as some books to read.. ahhh a whole month away from home..ugh. im not a fan of traveling if im being honest. traveling a lot as a kid just made me jaded. its whatever though. i just.. i dunno i dont look forward to talking to relatives. i dont know if ill be able to relate to them and that worries me.. ALSO I AM VERY CLEARLY GENDER NONCONFORMING AND GAY. I DONT KNOW IF THEYRE BIGOTED. AHHHH. ill survive. whateverrrrrrrrrrr.

ive slowed down tremendously on artfight. just havent been feeling too hot honestly.. i spiraled a bit earlier but i have awesome coping mechanisms. i drew a picture of demian and then read demian by hermann hesse and i was calmed down. wow. thank you hermann hesse.

not much aside from that. ill be changing my about pre-emptively so that i dont have to on my birthday. wow! 20 years old! one more year and then i can BUY WEEEEEEEEEEEED! i dont even like weed i just wanna try it..

ive been introduced to a lot of new music thanks to a friend making character playlists and just having good taste. i really really like this song. i updated my lyrics page with other songs i liked but this one especially is great. it makes me feel really optimistic and happy and also about people who arent in my life anymore! not keen on reconnecting at all but fuck dude with allison reaching out to me and another guy i used to be close with checking in with me every month i dont know what to fucking expect anymore. i hate looking at my past and who i used to be!! i hate focusing on shit that doesnt matter anymore, and this song just. ahhh. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ive been making a lot of friends lately and that makes me happy. i love my friends so much. im grateful for the people i surround myself with now and im optimistic towards my future. ive been reading more steppenwolf and fuckk the themes of suicide and living on despite everything are sooo good. "NOR WILL SUICIDE REALLY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM, UNHAPPY STEPPENWOLF" LIKE OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

i havent written a lot. i thought about it, but i just.. didnt get around to it. im not doing bad though.

ive been doing a lot this month, getting ready for my trip, reading, playing new games and drawing

per reccomendation of a friend, i started playing caligula effect. it went on sale on steam so i picked it up. another friend reccomended 13 sentinels so i got that for playstation. i forgot i had a playstation..

my pop socket fell off. i hope my dad orders a new one before thetrip

yesterday i hung out with my friends for their birthday. we went to little tokyo and then saw spiderverse. we bought some stuff, and now we have friendship bracelets, yay! its my hero academia themed. i got midoriya, obviously. "jordan what do you mean obviously.." deku was my first kin because we shared a birthday

mmmm idk what else. worries. ive been having some of those. i have a decent following on twitter as of writing this, sitting at a comfortable 650 or so while my other accounts and stuff have a following as well. im just paranoid, i guess. i havent done anything bad lately, im just.. paranoid of being stalked. havent had the best experiences with being stalked! one time this guy i was talking to told me he knew where my room was because he watched me when i went up to get something and that freaked me out a lot. he also told me he wants to cut my body up into pieces and leave my body in a ditch. that was weird. uhh. anyways. im just paranoid. im thankful for my friends though. they reminded me that theres not much worth stalking me for and that ive people that love me (': yey

also, new spiderverse was a good movie. i liked it. it wasnt as life-changing as i expected it to be but it was still really good.

when i went to little tokyo i bought a code geass wall scroll to finally replace the old danganronpa one. yay! i also bought a genshin aether funko pop. funny!

i also found out about Alexithyma today! and i connect with it a bit. BOOOO. i seem to have the most difficulty in identifying feelings. describing? gotcha. just cant.. identify. ah well.

cognitive distortions are so weird. maybe i do need to go back to therapy. i cant seem to cope. i know cognitive distortions are just that: distortions, things that arent true. and yet.. i cant seem to get past that. i cant convince myself truly that its just paranoia or anxiety. ahhhh. oh well..

i gotta journal more..

happy july!

i didnt make journal entries because ive been busy!

on july 2nd i went to anime expo dressed as ayin from lobotomy corporation, i made a sign and everything!

i walked around a bit with a friend and it was so fun! we hunted artist alley for limbus company merch and by god did we find it.

i spent all my money on limbus stuff. i felt crazy. before the con i posted my cosplay and it got a bit of traction. then, whenever i bought limbus merch, the artist either said "i saw you on twitter!" or "AYIN?" and wow i felt crazy. i also found out about the project moon cosplay meetup. ON THE DAY I WAS GOING! IM SUCH A LUCKY DUCK!! It was so so fun meeting other fans and it was fun to take photos ahhhhh!!!!!!! it made me really happy, maybe i should go to conventions more. im not even a cosplayer!! MY COSPLAY WAS JUST STUFF I HAD IN MY CLOSET AND I BORROWED MY MOMS LAB COAT!! BUT PEOPLE LIKED MY COSPLAY ANYWAYS!! AUUUUGH!

i also saw mili live! her set was cut short ): BUT FUCKKK IT WAS SO GOOD. IT WAS SOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I WANNA GO BACK TAKE ME BACK.

it was so much walking though. my legs and body in general are so sore. will be when i wake up tomorrow too. so worth it. so so worth it. i made wonderful memories and feel so so happy.

ALSO!! ARTFIGHT!! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I GOT LIKE THREE ATTACKS SO FAR I GOTTA DEFEND MYSELFFFF FAUUGFGHUJDFGISDHG im happy. i love drawing. kyaaaa.

life feels good. it feels good it feels good. life is wonderful

to conclude, heres the song i looped today. it makes me (someone who has never intimately touched another person) want to have sex. I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX. THATS SCARY! its like weed. i wanna try it once and then probably never again