So it turns out I got covid! And man it's beating my ass! I've never been this sick in my entire life. When morning comes around ill be talking to a doctor over the phone. Ah.. covid. Never thought Id get it or that itd feel like this. This is worse than being depressed! Way fucking worse! good god!

I've been biding my time and reading my books a little bit.. Right now I'm reading the stranger by camus. i love the writing style and seeing meursaults logic. marie is sweet too! and that guy and his dog ): awe. i also drew a little bit. im really exhausted and worn out though.

ive been working on a few pages too. i feel like i hit a wall but ah... oh well. its okay. if computer science didnt require an understanding of math id definitely have studied it in college instead of business administration but.. ah well. i kinda wanna go back to school. i wanna study so many things, but i dunno what i want as a career yet.. i wanna study english, literature, philosophy, journalism, psychology.. ah, knowledge and higher education.. i feel like i didnt get the.. real college experience. ah well....... theres always the future to look forward too and i suppose its never too late to go back to college.

covid grabbing me was really demotivating though. i got this whole next month to recover though, i wanna go to a glaive concert with my friend.. i also want to work on myself and be better. i really hate hurting others. i have a tendency to antagonize myself when spiraling. its not that i hate myself per se, im quite confident actually. i just. i dunno. i feel like i need to martyr myself sometimes, like i need to take all the blame. i feel like i deserve suffering. ive been told that that's common in people with some mental disorders and well. i guess so.

i hope i can sleep well tonight

its been over a month since my last entry. a lot can happen over the course of a month, huh?! my trip went okay, on the outside it went better than i thought it would! i had a lot of fun spending time with family and i did some shopping over there too. my bookshelf is growing steadily, i might need to get another shelf!! however, that's just on the outside. on the inside, well. fuck. it was hard. it was so, so hard. things got so bad that i started keeping a list of all the bad things that happened during my trip.

i went through a really, really hard time and it was so difficult to deal with because i.. just wasn't home. i didn't have personal space or room to deal with anything. i had to push it so far down and now that im home again i feel a bit lost honestly. i dont know what to do now. i feel bad for not being able to put how exactly i feel into words. i miss them. i miss my best friend. it's a dull ache-y feeling in my chest whenever i think about it. i dunno. it's gonna be a while but i know i'll be..okay in the end. i just. i really miss having them in my life. i haven't felt such a significant loss like this in maybe 3 years or so. augh. im grateful for the friends i have to help me through it im just.. i dunno. i cant. put it into words right now.

a - ny - way - s! i did a LOT of reading! i think it's safe to say im very hyperfixated on demian by hermann hesse, and by extension hermann hesse! the project moon controversy was.. it was really disheartening. it was depressing, and really disappointing. as more facts come to light and more developments are in motion im trying my best to stay informed. im not gonna lie aside from the Big thing that happened in personal matters, the PM stuff was just another punch in the gut. i got like.. forgive my lack for better wordings, so autistically upset over the mere THOUGHT of limbus hitting an end of service. augh. its okay though, im occupying my time and such haha

ive plans and stuff to do.. im planning for a friend and i to go to a concert together, so i gotta buy tickets for that. i have art to draw, so much art! AND MY BOOKS!! I might make a page for books or maybe a widget for my goodreads account! im thinking of making a page called.. i dunno what itll be called but itll have everything in one neat place. my journal entries, my music, my microblogging, a lot of stuff! also, before my trip i actually started a new about page layout. ive gotta finish that too! awawa!

oh, on my trip i tried wine for the first time! it was.. not what i was expecting honestly. is wine and such an acquired taste? TEA TOO! I DIDNT TASTE MUCH WITH TEA.. theres colorful alcohol drinks in the fridge, maybe ill give those a try. i dunno when though.. also i kept getting called sir and passed as a guy a lot of the time while i was in the philippines, it made me really really happy. ahhhh. if only my voice passed too. i have to look into voice training T_T

i also picked up the game Alter Ego and Pokemon Sleep. As I was writing this, I got a notification for it! I set my bedtime to 1:00 AM so i have to get to that, haha.. OH AND FONTAINE!! i need to update my genshin log..heh.

a little bit of delusion is healthy . whatever works, works. im so delusional right now. and thats okay. huffing copium and praying that things will be okay! i. have a lot more thoughts. but.. i dunno. a lot happened in the past month and now that its over i dunno how to put things into words. ah well.

as for music.. i didnt really discover new tracks, sadly. i made a playlist though! i need to organize it.. for now heres a song i really like.. <3