no entries in a while, ive just been feeling okay. had another weird dream. several, actually. they weren't bad per se but wow. dreams. theyre funn.y . ive been really fixated on limbus company. i finished demian by hermann hesse. i dont rememebr if i talked about this in the last entry but idc to check. its a great book, i loved it a lot. i also finished metamorphasis by kafka. sad book. i feel bad for gregor and his family. i feel like gregor sometimes, like im a lost cause and better off dead. i dont feel that way too often anymore.today i went to the mall with my mom. we went to some stores to buy stuff for my cousins. im gonna be going to the philippines in july. ill be there for about a month? i dunno how to feel about it. i liek hanging out with my mom but i always get dysphoric for some reason. i guess its because ill never be the daughter she wanted me to be. not my fault. ive been like this ever since i was little. i've felt this way my whole life. now that im an adult and have more agency over how i look, ive genuinely felt happier. everytime i pass as a guy (with an exception to my voice, i dont think my voice will pass anytime soon until i go on T) i feel so so happy. love my mom though. shes really strong.
the dream i had when i woke up this morning has faded a bit, but i wrote it out to my friend a bit. ive been feeling more comfortable with sex and sexuality recently. i think i just need girldick in my ass. that would fix me. anyways, heres the message i sent about the dream.
this is about limbus company by the way. i understand the heathcliff moe now. i like him now. this has happened twice now, where i have a weird(????) sex dream about a character and wake up realizing "oh, i like this character i think". anyways in the dream i was time traveling to the future. randy from south park and stans grandpa from southpark were there. some other people i didnt know. and heathcliff! heathcliff just followed me around protecting me and cuddled with me when i sat down to relax. we also had sex on the couch at some point. he was really cute and moe. he was very gentle and understanding and it makes me smile. what a great dream that was.to close this off, i now have four out of 13 books on my reading list! demian, metamorphasis, donquixote and the divine comedy! i finished the first two, im now starting don quixote! i wonder how many books ill manage to get through this year? i cant believe limbus company has me reading classic literature. god damn. project moon really does want you to read, huh?
no real angst for this entry i think. im grateful to be in my friends server. its been a space where i can nerd out about nsfw stuff and just generally be a safe space to talk about kinks we have. i never really had that i guess. every person i talked about that sort of stuff with was someone i like intimately and id always get self conscious. but my friends server makes me feel better about nsfw and such. jesus i cant believe i made an f-list when i was what, 15-16? what the fuck was wrong with me? im positive id throw up if i saw what i put on it back then. you are not a service top. you are fifteen and failing chemistry. get your money up not your funny up. i tried to fill out a fetish thing from a github app but i got too scared because im a kissless virgin. one day i'll find someone that i click with and can do shit with. that isn't a hope, it's just an inevitibility. oh i guess that is. technically angst. oh well.ive been watching a lot of valorant compilations, the music always bangs. here's a song from i think a spawns video?? i dont rember. its a nice song though
i. love. attention. i love when people pay attention to me SOOOOo muchhhh. recently i've been interacting with many-a people and it makes me soo happy i love learning about people and in turn telling them about me HAHA i love my friends and acquaintances! u can tell how my mental health is doing by comparing the frequency of tweets between my public main and my two private accounts. i think limbus company healed me somehow.my books arrived a day or so ago and i started reading demian by herman hesse. i was right. this book is gonna fucking kill me. i love it so much. sinclair is such a good protagonist and the characterization of demian and
sorry. sorry hold on as i was writing this i saw a really good picture on my twitter timeline and i just had to print it
anyways, the book is really good so far and im really enjoying it. i also bought don quixote and metamorphasis by kafka. im really excited to read all these. limbus company is making me do some off the wall shit. i love having fixations. i just got a paper cut because i creased the paper and ripped it instead of getting scissors oops.ive been looking at a lot more sites and gathering inspo and techs from inspect elementing sites and now i wanna do some new stuff, hence the new journal layout and landing pages. ive wanted to organize my entries into corresponding folders for a while now and i finally got the motivation to about a day or so ago! i wont keep the same layout for the whole year i think, i'll probably change it as time goes on but it wont be a monthly thing lol. i like this current one, i wanted to embed a cool dramaturgy animation featuring chesed but youtube embed shat the bed due to copyright. this video sent me down an eve kick and i listened to some songs for old times sake!
as of writing im trying to 100% your turn to die. it has steam achievements! a friend bought the game for me so i wanted to get all the cheevos. im having fun replaying the game so much hehe hoho.to close this off, here's my favorite eve cover. not my favorite song. i like all his songs equally (totally not bc they all sort of sound samey-same to me..)
limbus company! i love it. i can't articulate much here, i've enjoyed the game so so much. i love the story so far, i love the gameplay, the sound design, the music, everything. today i got my dad to order me some classic lit so i can do some reading up on the characters. im that crazy! wow! i got a sinclair shimeji and i keep the count to two and theyre such wonderful little things to have keeping me company. i think im healing from the genshin brainrot because of limbus. love wins, i guess?paranoia!! goes hand-in-hand with helping my friend. this is definitely rooted in delusion and other such things. i've been thinking a lot about people i used to know and how some friendships ended in a horrifically messy way. i used to be really, REALLY immature and petty. cringey sometimes, too! having a crush on people makes me feel psychotic. i did some bad(???) things that i wish i could apologize for but realistically i know that won't happen. it's likely the person i'm thinking of doesn't want to hear from me ever again and honestly..? i don't blame them. i was so childish (one could argue that. i was a volatile teenager OF COURSE IM GONNA BE CHILDISH... theres no way to truly act like an adult at 17-18 i think. i had just turned 18 back then, but still.) and immature it makes me cringe. i like to think i've grown since then but after some more reflection i realize that i.. kind of fell back into the habit of blocking people off from me. i dont care if i was justified or if my feelings were valid, it was kind of a shitty thing to do i think. there isn't much that i can do about that now though. i'll try my best to improve from here on out. WHERE DOES THE PARANOIA COME INTO PLAY THOUGH. one of my tweets have been blowing up to the point it crossed platforms and was posted by someone else on tumblr. as of writing, it has 23,347 notes. that's a lot of people that have seen my post! i. i can't help but wonder if people that i'm not talking with have seen it. i can't help but wonder if they've went the extra mile to go to the original poster and see "oh. it's jordan." and see that i'm... still around i guess? doesn't really help that some of these past nights i've had like, 4 different dreams each involving 3 different exes and a situationship. i dunno. i'm scared i'll get stalked or looked at again by these people. i'll admit, i'm guilty of impulsively checking profiles. just.. checking to see how people are doing, i guess. i'm trying to curb this habit though. it always makes me sad and upset and angry. but man, it makes me paranoid! it's really easy to stalk me after all! i don't hide who i am at all! i am my authentic self, a far cry from the fierce lying bravado kokichi ouma front i had back then. where was i even going with this. oh yeah. people i used to know. i dunno, i don't really truly hate anyone i used to be friends with. i've learned to live with the fact that some connections can't (and shouldn't be) rebuilt. sometimes you just won't get closure on things! and that's okay.
helping my friends! this ones gonna be short! my friend has come pretty far. i'm proud of him. i'm glad i could be of help. seeing the character development he's had in the past 3 years makes me really happy for him.generally depressing things. recently i've been looking at a lot of alt-right, 4chan, kiwifarms and lolcow sites as well as observed a lot of lgbt discourse. i think with all the things i've read - every argument, counterargument, ideaology, etc. - i've come to a conclusion. i will simply persist. so much hatred in the world. i've seen every single hateful thing under the sun towards various things. most notably i've been reading into cryptos (if you aren't aware, a crypto [in the context im about to use it in] is a person who conceals or masks their gender-critical views, especially from friends or within trans-inclusive spaces.) and wow. i knew someone who was crypto. she got driven off twitter when a friend found her tiktok and i dmed her asking if shes a terf and she deactivated. anyways, i wouldn't say i've "peaked" from reading all these justifications or arguments or anything like that, i'm just observing in curiousity really. its weird how there's one end of the spectrum where you go from being trans-inclusive (or even transgender yourself) to being gender-critical while the other end is going from horrifically transphobic and anti-sjw to being transgender liberal. personally, i am on the end of 'i used to be deep in transphobic/racist/etc circles and now i'm transgender'. seeing all these different viewpoints is... interesting to say the least. seeing a lot of lgbt-infighting in general is really interesting to me too. what happened to agreeing to disagree? bi lesbian discourse is so asinine. as a friend once said, "people gotta get over labels like this like who care. pick up a football" which pretty much sums up how i feel. i don't think bisexual lesbian is a valid thing but how i feel isn't gonna change anyones minds. so i'm gonna exhale air from my nose and keep scrolling. this is also how i feel about proshipping, although my opinion is more violent. i'm not gonna go out of my way to argue with proshippers but i'm not gonna defend them either. i think if you think shipping kids with adults, abusers with victims or siblings with each-other is fine because muh fiction then you should kill yourself. but i'm keeping that to myself. if you're transphobic/gender critical/crypto then kill yourself! if you disagree with me in a way that i dont deem acceptable then kill yourself! i'm not gonna change your mind over a damn screen, nor will you change mine! added to my dni and excel spreadsheet of people that have wronged me and chainblocked, done! rotting my brain on 4chan/lolcow/bad twitter accounts is not healthy. i do not reccomend doing that. i just love people-watching. you know, like a weirdo. maybe i should stop that though! curate your online experience and keep yourself safe and all that.
despite everything, i still believe in the inherent good of humanity as a whole. nothing can really change that ideal of mine, no matter how much torturous depressing things i expose myself to. i'm still me. i'm jordan. agnostic but somehow in touch with my spiritual side. transgender moid. unlabeled sexuality (sex is scary but i still yerk my shit). autistic faggot. i love yaoi, yuri and yxxi. that stuff isn't gonna ever really change. i'm an open-minded person and more often than not will agree to disagree. people won't always get along. there will always be hatred in the world and hateful individuals. but that doesn't mean there isn't kindness either. love thy neighbor or whatever the fuck jesus said, i dunno i didnt read the bible. i have things i dislike about myself, but a lot more that i love about being me. i love being me, and you should too. humans aren't without flaws but they aren't unlovable. wow this kind of sounds like im doing some insane copium huh? but aren't we all just coping on this bitch of an earth? ok im gonna go in circles soon so i'm ending the entry here. i'll end this on a positive note. i like this song, it encapsulates how i feel about life pretty well.
I bought new bedsheets also. check it out i feel insane. i kind of am i guess? my next purchase is gonna be a custom body pillow of demian and sinclair from limbus. i dont even like them that much. im just crazy i think.no real angst in this entry but i wanna talk about this insane(?) dream i had a few days ago THAT I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT. okay so basically um. i had a boyfriend in it BUT NOT JUST ANY BOYFRIEND?? IT WAS LITERALLY EMIL SINCLAIR FROM LIMBUS? AND HE KEPT BEING CLINGY. we were on the couch cuddling and hed just nibble on my neck sometimes or i'd just be sitting in his lap in the bathroom??? (PUBLIC BATHROOM BTW IDK WHY?? someone in the other stall was also reading yaoi doujin??) and he'd just. hold me. and also nibble and bite on my neck. he was just really physically affectionate it was really nice honestly. idk why he kept biting and nibbling me like a hamster though. FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW BEDSHEETS BTW. THEYRE FUCKING MAGIC.anyways later in the dream we went on a date and i watched him play baseball on the tv. that was fun. it was just. a really warm and soft dream. I DONT EVEN LIKE SINCLAIR THAT MUCH. I DO NOT WANT TO FUCK EMIL SINCLAIR. I DONT KNOW WHY HE WAS IN THE DREAM HE JUST WAS!!! okay thats all the news i think. i gotta actually do my work now. here's a song i'm obsessed with I LOVE YOU MILI.
limbus company has consumed me i think. im trying so hard to stick with genshin but oh my god. limbus. FUCK. LIMBUS COMPANY. GREGORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. SINCLAAAAIIIIRRRR. DEMIAAAAAAN. RODIOOON. ITS OVER. ITS SO OVER. MY LIFE IS FUCKED. im so obsessed with demian and sinclair. sorry. i made a playlist with my friends. ive been looping it. im going to draw demian/sinclair ship art. soon. someday. I NEED TO MAKE SOMETHING. IM SORRY. FUCK. I LOVE LIMBUS COMPANY. I DATAMINED A MILLION ASSETS AND DUMPED IT ON TUMBLR AND NOW MY NOTIFS ARE FUCKED UP FOR LIFE. i love demisin i love demian i love sinclair I LOVE LIMBUS COMPANY I LOVE YOU heres the playlist BTW. DISCLAIMER: I HAVENT READ DEMIAN. I HAVENT FINISHED CHAPTER 3 (THE BOSS FIGHT IS BEATING MY ASS SO HARD). IF I MISINTERPRET SOMETHING PLEASE KILL ME DEAD. THX.
i. changed my entire layout. on steam. to be limbus company. im so fucked ITS SO OVER LOOK AT THISSSS FUCKKKK ITS SO OVER.
im normal, by the way. if you couldnt tell. sometimes i think im normal but then i rememebr im autistic or something HAHAHAHA. autistic among other secret things that i may or may not have that affect me badly but if i admit that ill kill myself. WANNA SEE MY SMASH OR PASS PIC I MADE FOR LIMBUS COMPANY HERE CHECK IT OUT
this week i kind of sat around on my ass all day. I LOVE BEING UNEMPLOYED AND HAVING ONLINE CLASSES. I LOVE VIDOE GAME. I LOVE MUSIC. im tired im going bed now before i stay up till 5 again MY SLEEP SCHEDULE HAS BEEN A LITTLE FUCKED BUT ITS NOTHIGN MELATONIN CANT FIX..sometimes i feel like a bad friend. well no i dont but idk. i dont know if im good at comforting people. my words arent empty but i always seek a solution instead of giving reassurance and words of comfort when needed. im trying to do better now. a friend of mine that ive known for (checks calendar) around 3 years now is doing pretty bad. im trying to be there for him. im stepping out of my comfort zone too! i dont usually talk in servers that arent my own or populated by many people i know. but i want to be there for him. i hope im helping somewhat. thats my angst for the entry i guess. no other worries i think.
ui honest to god forgot february was a short month. ive been alive for almost 20 years and it still surprises me each time, just like how every year im surprised that winter months exist past january.
ive been chilling, but the past week was busy. i finally finished my game and im so happy with how it turned out . ive talked enough about that in my devlog though. its gonna be a while before i work on my next game. i wanna indulge in my ocs more.limbus company came out. LIMBUS SWEEP. YES I WILL PLAY THE PROJECT MOON GAME FOR THE L-CORP CONNECTIONS DESPITE THE FACT ITS GACHA. i already have over 24 hrs on it LOL fuck im so fucked IM SO FUCKED AUGDFUHIUDFHIJD its taking everything in me not to change my steam layout AGAINE i love after god but ahhh its calling for me ITS CALLING FOR ME THE LIMBUS LAYOUT AUGH
I've been an observer to something lately. i wont really describe it too much but i wanna make note of my feelings on it. there's a trait in people that i admire and i guess am sort of drawn to. its never been expressed Towards me though, maybe for the better now that i think about it. with certain things coming to light and seeing the worst possible side of it, it really does make me reflect. maybe all i really need is to love myself more and not worry about relationships all that much. im a hopeless romantic. i always will be. i will always want to be drowned in love as much as i drown the people i love in it. however, people will naturally get drawn into conflict with one another because we are all different. the last time i felt like i had met my soulmate i got the carpet pulled out from under me. at the time i was really hurt. so much that i went fucking psycho mode and did a bunch of ridiculous shit in the aftermath. looking back i understand now. there isn't a single person that will ever understand me. there isnt a single person on this planet attuned to my soul and likeness. do i want a mirror? or do i want someone that complements me? am i gonna be alone forever? and the answer is well. no. im not. im not even alone. im surrounded by such wonderful people. i have great friends. fixating on what i dont have doesnt make me get it sooner, and at worst it can drive me to make hasty decisions. i dont want that. good things are coming, i think. despite my doubts and skepticism, i will always believe in a better tomorrow and a better future for myself. things will fall into place by themselves and ill be there for it.wow thats a lot of text that basically says 'i kind of want a partner but i should love myself first'. im so fucked. anyways.
i have a sort of routine now. every wednesday ill dedicate it to doing my schoolwork. just fuck it all. get it all out of the way. you may be thinking. jordan this was written at 3 in the morning on wednesday. and to that i say. yeah. dont worry about it.ive been itching to draw a new persona. with limbus company coming out, i went back and did a bunch of lobcorp nugget picrews. i wanna make a new persona. every year. new one every year. i will NEVER be consistent with how i perceive myself. ever. but still, i wanna draw. i just need that Push yknow?
febuary was pretty good. i hope march is kind to me. why do so many people i know have birthdays in march? goodness. the thing i ordered is gonna be here within 10 days. im so fucking excited that it makes me SICK.to close this off, i have a playlist that i update every now and then with songs that i connect to in one way or another. it turns two years old soon. theres a lot of songs in it. wow. unfortunately, all of these mean something to me one way or another so i cant remove any of them or ill lose a piece of myself and die. TAKE A LOOK Y'ALL