1/29/2023 12:31PM
for the past week ive just been chilling tbh.. i found a cool little app that walks me through some cbt practices and its really come in handy i think! i dont use it much, i seldom feel intense emotion in general but its helped me manage whenever i had a moodswing. i love learning to cope.

the bogie time event finally came to the english version of ensemble stars and i was pretty preoccupied with that. it felt good to play every five hours or so again. getting to read the whole event story in english was great too! it motivated me to finally revamp my shrine for nagisa im really happy with how it turned out. ive been wanting to remake it for a while, it was the first shrine i ever made and the old version was SO ugly i dont even wanna show what it looked like!

also i found out why my brother has so many steam achievements. he's a lying cheating whore that's how. steam achievement manager is a thing apparently. i used it and yep. it sure does work. i laughed my fucking ass off doing this. i only unlocked games that i know ill NEVER play or give a fuck about so i dont really care. i just thought itd be funny to have 100% cheevos on porno games.

i wanna learn how to cook soo bad. i watch so many cooking videos. I NEED TO TRY THIS SO BAD YOU HAVE NO IDEA FUCKKKKK. i have a pretty small appetite so i definitely wouldnt be able to finish it but mannn omgg i love eating good food. im a growing boy i need to eat eat eat.

i think last.fm is my favorite fucking site ever. i love music so much. how do people go about their day without music. that sounds like hell. i need background noise constantly or i explode. i,m so normal btw! i think about the times people said they look up to me or admire me and it makes me go aww... im glad you see me that way but i think youre crazy i am not admirable in the slightest.. LIKE HOW DO PPL LOOK UP TO ME IM JUST SOME AUTISTIC GUY.. like i get why and the reason im just. it always just makes me take a step back and go wow. i really am kind of fucking awesome sometimes. even if i myself cant see it. waow. peace and love on planet earth.

uh oh i ended up typing so much here so i moved it to the bottom of the entry WARNING FOR NSFW SEXO TALK!! IDK IF THIS IS TRAUMADUMPING OR NOT I MIGHT JUST MOVE THIS ALL TO MY VENT PAGE LATER. ive been exposed to nsfw stuff ever since i was little. i think i made my first social media account (youtube doesnt count) when i was in 4th or 5th grade. lack of parental supervision when on my ipod and such led me down some rabbitholes and avenues to see stuff that i definitely shouldnt be seeing. i think i was also groomed at some point but i can barely barely remember it because i was really young so im gonna just go with i wasnt groomed i just met a fucking weirdo and did what they told me to do. also it doesnt really fit whats considered grooming nowadays so yeah. it doesnt trigger me or anything it was just..a weird experience. that happened over a decade ago. that i still think about. when i was 14 i made an f-list (a site for making a list of what fetishes you were into, the site name being shorthand for fetish list) even though i 1) was 14 2) had never dated anyone and 3) had never had sex. looking back on it, i dont know why i ever did all that. i think i just wanted to fit in and be cool, whatever that meant. around that time i was doing ERP stuff and later on met someone that would use me for sexual gratification so i think that skewed my view on sex and stuff even more. its hard to discern how i feel about all this. im an adult now, im turning 20 this year. in present times, i dunno how i feel about sex. when i jerk off i jerk off and then immediately close all tabs and stuff related to it. if i think too much about sex i get anxious. i cant tell if im insecure. the last time i felt sexually attracted to a real life person was.. i dunno. i cant see myself ever having actual sex ever. am i asexual? i dont know. in middle school i went through a bunch of microlabels under the ace spectrum before giving up and calling myself pansexual and then later bisexual and then went unlabeled. i dont know anymore. like. i get horny sometimes and i have my preferences on some things but i just.. cant see it. i cant see myself having sex. i mean, sometimes i can but it feels like im watching someone else and not myself there in the moment. im not afraid of intimacy. experiential, emotional, etcetera. but i think if i ever have to have sex then itd have to be with someone i trust a lot. i dont understand hookups or one-night stands. not shaming the people that engage in that sort of stuff, i just wish. i dunno. i wish i was confident enough to engage in that sorta stuff. im not a very confident person in general when it comes to sex. i mean, im a kissless virgin who can count the significant relationships ive been in on one hand, with the longest lasting one being a little over 3 months and all but one being when i was in high school. i only managed to do sexual stuff with one and the others just..didnt last long enough for me to get confident and feel secure i guess? i dunno. maybe i am asexual, or atleast on that spectrum of sexuality. im still young im not gonna worry about it till my next relationship.

1/21/2023 12:21AM
no super big post today. its another fucking week baby!!!!!!! i managed to shower and do my laundry today please clap. i started making spotify playlists for my favorite artists depending on that mood im in, be it chill / upbeat / sad / etcetera. and yes sad and chill are two different things. sometimes chill songs can just be about being happy and shit okay? and sometimes songs that make me want to die can be so upbeat and hype. hope this helps.

i finally got around to revamping? the page for my art and stuff, i like how it turned out tbh [: i couldnt bring myself to draw up the image i had in mind and ended up making a drawing of a character from a visual novel i played recently at 2am while watching a 2hr video essay with friends. fun! here's the timelapse. i love watching my own timelapses. im normal btw

i love drawing shit for fun. i will never try to actively improve. practice? warmups?? I DONT GIVE A FUCK BRO!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST DO WHAT I WANT BIIIITCHH.

my mom told me about a job i could do. it's patient sitting. i dont even have to touch the patient it's literally just watching them. i was actally pretty interested in picking up the job but then i remembered that i cant drive and if my mom/dad/brother cant drive me then im fucked and also if im working i cant focus on learning to drive and also im still in school. so for now i can't be a wagie. sad! not that i want to be a wagie that is. i just want money.

not sure how to close this entry off. i heard this song in a valorant clip compilation and i really liked it.

1/21/2023 12:21AM
did you know that the new moon is gonna be in aquarius? great timing as the mercury retrograde ends! i heard this is a good time to set intentions for the year and manifestation in general. maybe im taking spirituality and astrology a bit too seriously. but also consider this: ive no other form of spirituality. i dont follow any religion that strictly. i mean, i was raised catholic but my family doesnt really go to church anymore. i help my grandma do some filipino catholic stuff but i'm too disconnected from it to really know what any of it means. do i believe in god at least? yes. i do. but in a real dick-sucking way. i think every person is their own god and controls what they perceive. kind of like a less radical version of the 'everyone is you pushed out' ideaology that neville goddard had. i don't really adhere to any specific practice or anything, i just cherrypick what i like and stick to that really. where am i even going with this? oh. right. well, my main goal for the year as i've said before id 1) graduate 2) get my drivers license 3) PROFIT!!!!!!!!!!!!. i will accomplish this. somehow. trust.

i've been reflecting on myself lately. i've realized that my family is kind of fucking ableist LOL. i remember back in..sophomore year i think it was? i had a breakdown in front of my mom and told her i need help and also therapy and i am depressed. she didn't believe me until the student my mom took me to see (EMPHASIS ON STUDENT. THIS WAS NOT A PROFESSIONAL IT WAS SOMEONE STUDYING TO BE A PSYCH/THERAPIST) was like "yeah your kid needs help bruh". and then i started going to therapy and got on prozac. looking back at that time in my life i'm like. wow. it really does get worse before it gets better huh. my mom thought therapy was making me more depressed and worse and then i eventually worked my own stuff out.. it's interesting really. i kind of still need therapy for stuff. if anything i want medication, perhaps a diagnosis. there is something wrong with my brain. but i think things will be okay, i've come a long way from the angry shithead i used to be. i'm just chill now i think. i just wish my family (specifically my brother) was more patient with me. my mom is fine. i love my mom. everyone else can go die tho

music is so so important to me i literally can't shut the fuck up about it. like. auughh. it influences my mood SO easily. i put my airpods in and just dance like nobodys watching and lip sync to an imaginary audience. it reminds me of when i was in theater class and we had to do a lip-sync assignment. i don't remember what song i chose. anyways, music makes me so so happy and i stim so much to it i love dancing and lipsyncing and humming and quietly singing along soooo much. this song is everything rn

ive been listening to a lot of HUNNY in general actually. i made a playlist of my top 15 favorites. i hope they play these at the concert im going to.. GOD I FUCKING LOVE MUSIC GRAAAAH (EXPLODES, THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE BTW)

i had to reset my computer with a recovery iso. i used a usb thumbstick and found some old clips from late 2019 - early 2020. fun! i had to redownload and reinstall a bunch of stuff. i learned a valuable lesson that day. do NOT delete windows defender, windows firewall, and windows store. your computer WILL shit itself. my pc is fine now though!!

i dunno if ill be able to churn out a complete/finished drawing. i had to redownload a bunch of my brushes and stuff and i spent like an hour organizing my folders and stuff. i also took my keyboard apart and cleaned it out. that took me about an hour too. i did however make a small doodle. better than nothing? i like how it came out at the very least.

fire emblem engage came out and it reminded me that i still have to finish three hopes ): i hope i can bring myself to do that soon, even if im not getting engage anytime soon. i like shez. theyre a funny protag, and i just like the gameplay of three hopes in general. im just bad at playing video games if it isnt 99% reading. im so bad at video games but i love playing games anyway. im bad at valorant. im bad at overwatch. and yet i persist. why? gaming with friends is fun. that is why.

recently ive just been really confident in myself. i love my hair right now. my mom said to keep it around this length for when i go to take my passport photo in feb. i like my smile. if i wasnt paranoid about putting my full face online id totally do that. alas, i only take pictures with a mask on, or when im outside (and when im outside im wearing a mask. sooo). ive been embracing my insecurities (not that i have any) and i've just been..pretty okay! absurdism is a great philosophy to live by. nothing matters, so just do your best! our only purpose is to live our lives after all. depression isnt real its all in your head <3
1/16/2023 9:59PM
oaaaghe mercury retrograde is almost overrrrr (-: finally!!!! fuckkkkk im so over it.. ive been distancing myself a bit and that isn't good i think.........? like. i dunno. ahhhhh its hard to describe how i'm feeling. i'm not feeling particulalrly bad but like. ahhhh i dunno. mercury retrograde. sorry to nerd out but whyyyy does mercury have to rule communnication and travel. why does my past taunt me and people that i don't talk to anymore cross my mind so often. this is a problem with my personality in general but it's been like.. escalated during this retrograde. pleaaaase. i will not fall to the temptation. i am so fucking strong. anytime i think about reaching out i remember that 1) i have nothing to *really* say and 2) it will change nothing. Nothing will change so why bother? i actually typed up like, an entire thing to send to someone because i felt so so bad about what happened between us and i've just been revising and refining it. am i gonna send it? no. i hope not. why should i? what will change if i do? i'll just keep it to myself. atleast, i hope i do. it was a bond i genuinely cherished and enjoyed and it hurts my heart to know that it's severed. i am seeing signs everywhere to get over, move on, etc etc but thats SO hard to do, especially if i don't truly hate that person! i find it hard to hate people in general. i think there's only one person i really really hate and i haven't spoken to them in like 3 years so it doesn't even matter because i doubt ill ever come across them ever again, and i don't want to either! i hope they kill themselves, and i am so serious when i say that. but that's besides the point. my point was that it's hard for me to hate people. im so so clingy and i can't let go of things easily. i internalize it and the feelings grow until i explode. that's why this mercury retrograde was so difficult for me. i HAVE to get rid of this feeling by reaching out or i will DIE. i want to be selfish so so bad but in the long run i'll only hurt myself and the other person i reach out to!!! I HAD TO ENDURE A LONG ASS PLANE RIDE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RETROGRADE AND IT ALMOST KILLED ME I WROTE 1K WORDS OF WHAT I WANTED TO SAY. I NEVER WANT TO BE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE GOD DAMN CAN THAT BRAIN THINK HARD. awwuuughhhhh. whatever. i'll move on eventually, even if it takes me a long time. the earth keeps turning and time stops for no one (but it should)(for me)

the other day i took a LONGGG ass personality quiz. it was like 200+ questions. i like my results.

i wanna take some more cognitive function / mbti quizzes but i think i might be an enfj now. makes sense to me atleast. i dunno. i dont know how i perceive myself. i wanna draw a new persona again. i also want to cut my hair again. i want to sleep. I WANT TO DO SO MANY THINGS. im going to bed after i finish this journal, or atleast laying in bed motionless for a bit. i love doing that. just laying down and thinking of nothing. or everything!

aside from fighting my own demons in my head, ive been trying to fix my sleep schedule. which sucks because it's cold in the morning. nonetheless, i cleaned up and reorganized a corner of my room and it turned out nice i think. my monitor is still shitting. it needs to like, warm up before the scan lines go away. kind of annoying but i'll live. i think.

i've been listening to my last.fm reccomendations. i wanna listen to more music MORE MORE MORE. i found an album i kinda like. i like the album as a whole but i like this song in particular.

1/13/2023 11:43PM
this week has been pretty okay! i ended up finishing my assignments earlier than i'd thought so i'm just chilling (: i haven't been outside in a bit because it is so so cold and cloudy and depressing. FUCK you winter i HATE winter WHAT HAPPENED TO FUN IN THE SUN AND SUMMER AND WARMTH AND SUCH. no but yeah i spent like 40 mins in a lil study group session with my friends just doing assignments while we waited to get a fifth for valorant. i really do like winter and summer terms. assignments are so very easy and the course is only a month long and i only have one class!! oh wow i just realized i graduate in the summer. again. yippy! i guess.

i miss hanging out with people irl ): i say this like i hung out with people in high school pre-covid. spoiler alert. i didn't. i wasn't friendless nor was i really bullied, i was just really distant from people (autistic) and busy being chronically online getting my life ruined by a shithead T_T it was nice to just be around people i guess. i'll always be a social lurker, through and through. maybe im actually introverted i dunno.. whatever. i burned the bridges i had to people in high school and hold no attachment to my former classmates. life goes on, and i love my current friends very much.

when i woke up today i had such a good fucking dream. do you ever have like a dream and you wake up and the happiness and warmth you felt from the dream is carried with you the entire day. that was me all day today. its so wonderful. it makes me feel so so happy knowing that i can just be happy like that. in the dream i had like a boyfriend and a red wagon?? and we just pulled it around and took turns pulling eachother around and just laying around at a park. we were picking stuff up and holding hands and then we cuddled in the car and my mom drove us somewhere and i woke up. i dont remember faces and im definitely forgetting some details from the dream considering i wrote this at the end of the day but wowww. dreams are awesome. i love dreams and being happy.

that dream almost got me motivated to draw, too. im like on the verge of getting started. ive got the scene laid out in my head, i just need to gather my references and get more motivation. ill have something by the end of the month.

my display port cable is kind of fucked. i gotta buy a new one. for the time being i'm a single monitor merriweather.. i feel so limited. weh. ah well. my refund finally processed so i can probably do that.

maybe i should start a dream journal.. feels like something i'd like making. that requires me to make an effort to remember and write down my dreams though. a bit difficult. i'll try for a week or so and if i can manage it then maybe i'll make that page a reality?

i was gonna complain about something here but i got over it. peace and love on planet earth
1/9/2023 7:17PM
my sleep schedule is so fucked up bro :sob_emoji: i gotta fix it but not really. classes are easy right now atleast.

i got tickets to a concert in april (: im gonna be going with my mom. she doesn't want me to go by myself because it'd be 'dangerous' or something. i understand the sentiment and worry and concern but its kind of sad. i feel sheltered. think i just wish i could be trusted a little more to go to places and stuff by myself :zubHAM: i understand the concern and worry but also if i cant ever do stuff by myself without my parents knowing my exact movements and location at all times i think i might explode. i couldnt even hangout at the mall without them being in the same building and watching me on life360. oh well.

im hoping when i manage to get my drivers license later this year i get a bit more freedom but for now i'll just chill. once i graduate im gonna have like no other obligations so ill be able to focus solely on studying the handbook at my own pace. i WILL have my license by the end of this year, mark my worms. in the mean time ill enjoy the time i get to spend with my mom unless someone wants to go with me.

i still wanna draw something.. i have like an idea of what i wanna draw but i just need like..that final push yknow? that SPARK of inspiration. ah well. i'll bide my time watching anime and reading shit.

with the concert in the coming months, i've been listening to their music. im only really going for HUNNY. i like HUNNY. i started listening back in 2018 and their music has kind of carried me since back then. HUNNY is just gonna be an opener or something for the concert but it's okay. i don't HATE the main band thats performing. i like 2 songs. maybe they'll grow on me when i'm there in the venue the same way i understood mitski when i saw her live with my friends last year.

music is sooo important to me it's kind of unreal. last.fm yearly report is out and i'm sooo like. Wow. I sure do listen to music. 111 days, 4 hours spent listening to music. 50,322 scrobbles. my longest streak was 292 days in a row. lets shoot for 365! like wow. my listening clock is so funny too like

DAMN BITCH DO YOU EVER STOP LISTENING TO MUSIC?? ah well. i'm normal heart emojii.

1/8/2023 2:06AM
first week of 2023 is done! it's been rough. i almost killed someone. lol funny joke guys lol but no i'm not joking. i went for a walk around my neighborhood in the dark without my glasses so i couldnt really see shit. also i didnt have a mask and also while crying everytime a car passed by i was scared it was my dad or someone trying to kill me. also i was carrying a boxcutter with the bladeout with me. for reasons. but yeah first week is out of the way, my winter term classes started on the third so ive been juggling that too. i think aside from my brother stressing me the fuck out and causing a mental breakdown i've been okay actually. i'm trying my best after all.

i got the scariest fucking email a day or so ago. for context, i'm in a college program that pays for my tuition and textbooks and i have to manage a 2.5 gpa minimum to stay in. my fall term was brutal for me both academically and mentally and socially and and and. you get the point. anyways, i thought i wouldnt be able to keep my gpa up so i sent an email since you can submit an appeal. i was like "hey i dont know if ill be able to meet that requirement and i wanna submit an appeal.." and they emailed me back like "ok wait till fall grades are finalized and we'll get back to you" and i was like ok. i sent that email around mid december and got the response a day or so ago. the subject line and opening sentence scared the FUCK out of me like the little preview that you get on emails made my heart drop. i was like. oh my god. its fucking over. MY LIFE IS FUCKING OVER. HOW DO I TELL MY MOM ABOUT THIS. SHE'S GONNA FUCKING KILL ME. I'LL KILL MYSELF BEFORE SHE CAN KILL ME. and then i read the rest of the email and it's like "yeah you met the requirement. have a good day bro" AND I WAS LIKE OHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY FUCKING GOD NEVER FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN HOLY SHIT. I'M SO FUCKING RELIEVED. I CAN'T BELIEVE I MANAGED TO SCRAPE BY ON THAT TOO LIKE HOLY SHITTTT. GOD SMILES UPON ME I AM SO FUCKING GRATEFUL I WAS ABLE TO PASS. FUCKKK. so yeah that happened.

i also organized some clips and also my 2022 music. cool stuff! i fucking love music. prior to writing this entry i was jumping and prancing around my room like a fucking idiot. i love dancing like no one is watching while listening to music i like. it makes me soo happy and makes me feel so whimsical. Wallows is my favorite band ever. i hope i can go to a concert of theirs one day..

ive also kind of been on a grind for consuming media. kind of. ive been reading and watching animes and mangas and webtoons and stuff. i feel like i shouldve switched to anilist sooner, i'm surprised by how much i like it compared to myanimelist. oh well. regretting doesnt fix much now does it.

i've been reminiscing a lot recently. like. ok in my defense 1) its mercury retrograde its not my fault. 2) i think i deserve a little bittersweet pain. anyways. where was i goin with this. uhhhhhhhhhh. ok i forgot halfway through but i think its good to keep this part in anyways.

i wanna draw something. i dunno what though. maybe myself? not sure how i see or perceive or view myself right now though so im a bit scared to pick up my pen. so for now ill just make images in my brain and be content with that.

not sure how to close this off. ive been listenin to this song. not a lot, just thinking about it i guess. i feel like i embedded this song before but im too lazy to check LOL
1/5/2023 1AM
note to self! sort and organize clip folder since it isn't 2022 anymore!! didnt have the time to do it today. also sort 2022 spotify likes into folders too!!!!!

today kind of sucked. my brother is pissing me off. my mood swings today were shit and i dunno, i guess im a bit stressed from taking care of my dog. my brother is being a nagging little bitch and it pisses me the fuck off. i ended up crying today because of it as a matter of fact. one time he called me the r slur because i said i couldn't learn how to drive while doing college at the same time. my brother is one of the the only person on this planet that makes me so indescribably pissed to the point that if he exists in my general vicinity i either have anxiety induced auditory hallucinations or indescribable anger. 2nd place goes to my dad btw. You are your fathers son and it shows.

in lighter news, my mom bought me more mouthguards for some reason. she got me the little plackers ones. im too scared to use them because theyre so fucking small im scared ill choke on them in my sleep and die so im just gonna keep using the custom molded ones. she also got me a face scrub soap whatever so im gonna try and wash my face everyday now. two nights in a row doing that, im doing pretty good. doctors and professionals were not lying. routine really does help.

tomorrow (or i guess today..?) i wanna go into the woods with the metal pipe from my garage and start hitting trees with it. i need this so bad you dont understand. i need the physical release. crying isnt enough anymore. i cried in the garage for 20 minutes before remembering there's a camera in there. my bestie reccomended me to buy blade and sorcery because its a good stress reliever so im gonna look into that i think. i wanna play beat saber again soon too.. uehhhh. winter term classes started, i only have one class. did one assignment and then passed out, it was sooo difficult (i had to introduce myself to my class). i recognized a name from someone i was sorta acquainted with in high school i wanted to die so bad. not really, i just dont care about most people from my high school.. oh well.

not much else to really journal about, just wanted to crank something out before i went to bed. i did a 2022 art summary though, i like my progress (: almost didnt have anything for october bc i was busy and preoccupied with more important stuff during that time so i just threw in the portraits/icons/whatevers instead of a completed full piece..

1/3/2023 2AM
woo! 2023, year of the gamer!! first entry of the year, a bit late unfortunately. i got home from my trip late at night on jan 1st, spent jan 2nd doing uhhh. i dont remember. and now its the third. wowie. umm. idunno whatelse i wanted to put here. i plan to make a new spiral page for the pictures i took on my trip. i went to fairbanks, alaska. i think i enjoyed it. im too lazy to write more so im just gonna screenshot a tweet i made that get the message across. so what was this tweet about? it was in reference to my mood tracker app. i had a tendency to rate my day based on what answer id give someone if i was asked "how was your day?" which is kind of disingenious. so this year i wanna stop doing that. for reference, this was 2022. a pretty good year in all honesty. last few months were rocky but hey, that's what i call a timeloop and endless samsara. every 2 years something happens that catches me off guard i guess. speaking of loops and cycles, mercury retrograde is kind of kicking my ass. also full moon in cancer soon. also i keep seeing number synchronities. i think im being delusional. i am being delusional actually. but thats what 2023 is about. being my best delusional self, baby. my goal for 2023 is the same as last years. my goal last year was the same before that. the goal preceding the one before? fuck if i know. but i'm gonna do my best to be my best self like i always do.

i think i graduate from college this year too. dunno how i feel about that. i dunno how i feel about most things. im not good at putting it into specific words. but its certainly a thing that's coming up for me soon. things are gonna turn out fine one way or another.

i also updated my vent page. no link to it anywhere onsite so unless i gave it to you or you remember the url then youll never see it yet. password is zzz. if you find it then go wild ig lol. i got distracted halfway through writing this oops. i guess ill end it off here i dont ahve anything else to write about. yayyyyyy