um im waiting for my heated blanket to heat up so its not cold when i go to bed so i guess ill do another entry. THREE DAYS IN A ROW PLEASE CLAP. today was really fun!! currently streaming this song:

i went to the mall and saw cocaine bear with my friends today its such a funny fucking movie. we sat in front of some people and they were super funny. i quietly said a joke to my friend and they heard it and this guy just kept fucking laughing FUCK im so fucking funny and witty and charming (starts sucking my own dick) but yeah it was such a fun experience I LOVE MY FRIENDS we walked aorund the mall before the movie and that was fun my friends bought stuff im glad they had fun I LOVE HAVEING FUN WITH MY FRIENDS FUCK.

fuck i love music so much SORRY I TALK ABOUT MUSIC SO MUCH but fuck i love music im gonna kill myself later i love music so much RAHHHH HOPEFUL MUSIC AUUUUGH AGH AGH AGH AGH AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i made a new friend today!!! we talked about hello charlotte theyre so nice and fun to talk to I LOVE TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT MY INTERESTS RAHHHH I LOVE INFODUMPING AUUUUGH.

UMMMMMMMMMM thats all for today nothin much [: slowly beating my paranoia and anxiety HEHEHEHEHAHAHHAHA idk if im in a manic state but HEHHEAHAHAH i love myself HEHE i love my friends i love humanity i love everything ever

im up late again! when am i not, really.. i dunno, i just felt like writing another entry pretty soon i guess? it doesnt hurt to consistently make entries i guess, even if it's at such a god awful time.

today my mom tasked me with a very daunting task: grocery shopping... by myself!! well, it was supposed to be by myself. my brother drove. i overheard them talking, my brother doubted i could do it by myself. he asked if i could do it on my own. i think i'm autistic. i responded with i dunno. he said what do you mean you dont know. i said i dont know i never went grocery shopping by myself before. i think he took this as "i need help" because he went in with me and led the way and stuff. it was only a few things we needed but still. i would have liked to done it by myself.. i didnt know that i would be interpreted that way. i relayed this to my mom and well, there's always next time she said. that's true i suppose. it's not that i think i'm incompetent: it's quite the opposite actually. i am competent. i am just not trusted to be responsible. fair, i guess. but also im almost fucking 20 i can probably buy some groceries by myself. but i digress. i dont fault my family for viewing me like this.

to be loved is to be changed. a tweet with a video of well loved stuffed animals made me tear up and cry today. i have a stuffed rabbit that i've had for as long as i've been alive. i got it at dollar tree. i still have it. i vividly remember my brother bullying me and hiding her and i got so upset i started wailing and crying. i never named her, she's just called bunny. i love her a lot. she's a far cry from what she used to look like but she is still so well loved. truly, to be loved is to be changed. such a simple sentence that means so much. tonight when i go to bed i will snuggle with bunny, just like old times.

i've felt like a psycho lately. i will not elaborate. but i will say i could be doing worse, i guess.

a few days ago my friend showed off his discord stats that he got from a discord unpacker. it motivated me to look at my own stats. i have two discord account archives: one from when i was in middle school (that account didnt last very long) and the one i made and later moved to which i still use today. i looked at both of them, and of course the one i use now is much more interesting.

sadly i cant show my top 5 chatters because 2 of them are my exes and one of them ghosted me. #1 spot is my best friend though (albeit her old account.) so hyphs sweep i guess? what i WILL show is the disrepency between messages. the 25k is my best friend (duh!), 13k is one of my exes (big whoop, i'm clingy), 3rd place is a friend of mine, fourth place is another ex, and 5th is someone i dont talk to anymore. kinda funny seeing the jump from 12k messages to 3.1k, LOL..

its amazing how i met a lot of really important people that shaped who i am through discord and how it's part of my everyday life. i dont talk to people from high school, ive disconnected from that completely.. all i have are the people i talk to through discord! though the lines are beginning to blur as i hang out with my friends more and more in real life. i love my friends a lot. i think about that one corny as fuck post so much. it goes like this:

"we become a reflection of the people that we care about and those personality traits stick with us even if the people don't. I make my ramen the way a friend taught me in eleventh grade. Every fall, I listen to a playlist made for me by a boy I drove across the border to hook up with. I eat sushi because a girl who won't talk to me anymore made me try it, and Indian food because my best friend's parents ordered for me before I knew what I liked. There are movies I love because someone I loved loved them first. I am a mosaic of everyone I've ever loved, even for a heartbeat."

such a corny post but it really resonates and sticks with me. i love everyone i ever meet, and continue to love my memories and time spent with them even if i dont speak to them anymore. even if things ended in a bitter way. i cherish the memories i make and i try to grow from the mistakes i made and immature behavior i made when i was a shithead teenager. i guess technically i still am a teenager. cant spell nineteen without the teen. but i digress. i love my friends. i love friendship. i love relationships. i love LOVE. love is such a wonderful thing, be it platonic romantic or familial. i. i just love love. fuck. humanity is beautiful. OK NO MORE TANGENT ON HUMANITY AND LOVE. GOODNIGHT!

earlier today i was feeling kind of insane and ended up typing into notepad++ to stop myself from freaking out. it worked a little bit i think but not very much. ill paste it here.

22223 502p.m thoughts are going a mile a minute but when i try to write it down i just blank completely. listening to car sea t headrest like a fag. i hate cold weather, not the song though. i dont want to listen to music but i cant stand the silence. i hope my package gets here soon, i dont have the motivation to clean my bedsheets otherwise. i wanna print out a verine but i dont wanna use the ink for somethng like that. its been getting hard to breathe lately, like when i take a deep breath i feel limited or held back, it doesnt feel like a deep deep breath. maybe its my posture, i just straightened up while typing. my mom got me dinner a bit early and i ate some and now i dont feel too well. im sick of the jokes. i dont want to be reminded anymore. im sure everyone will be understanding of my discomfort and adjust accordingly but i just feel insecure about it. i dont know. its been a while, hasnt it. i keep resetting my timer. im sorry. i could be doing better, im just weak and impulsive. i hope my game is well received. im not insecure on that end, im just unsure. im sure people will love it. im ok. im going to take a nap now.

reflecting back on that is kinda funny. i dont remember what i was freakin out over.. in other news this friday im going out with some friends to see a movie. im excited. my mom is gonna drive me. i wish i could get high before seeing the movie but yknow, it wouldnt be wise and all. when i wake up later today ill do my homework and work on sound effects for my game.

i did really well in valorant earlier tonight, i was apalled. i hate when i do good in video game. im not supposed to do good in valorant. the random on our team sounded cute and he was nice to me. he was playing sage and never healed me though so whatever. i almost dropped 30 kills. insane. still flip-flopping on whether i prefer vandal or phantom. i was doing pretty good with both guns. i dont care enough to install a stat tracker though. ill just play it case-by-case.

a tweet i made a few days ago is finally slowing down on traction. i gained over 100 followers from it which is kind of insane. though to be fair, it was a pretty funny clip. a lot of people were bashing my crosshair. they just dont understand the vision i have. the rest were talking about code geass yaoi in 2023. glad i could spark hope in the hearts of fujos everywhere that suzalulu is still kicking in 2023.

uh, what else. my parents came home a few days ago. they brought home london merch, tea, and chocolates. im happy they enjoyed their anniversary out there. it makes me think about where i'll be in 20 or so years. ive given up on trying to die and being self-deprecating i think. sure, sometimes i still wanna disappear somehow but i dont wanna kill myself anymore. does that even make sense? i dunno. im not sure how i view my uncertain future. i just know that things are gonna be okay. somehow.

i reread after god. i love it so much. im matching layouts on twitter with my best friend. orokabi is just like me. i dunno how to close this off so i'll put some manga panels that are 'just like me fr' but it progressively gets worse.

GOD I LOVE THIS MANGA SO MUCH. I DONT EVEN LIKE THE YAOI IN IT THAT MUCH IM MUCH MORE OBSESSED WITH THE YURI. I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART THAT IT GETS POPULAR SO THAT I SEE MORE FANART FOR IT. LOOK AT THIS RAW AS FUCK PANEL. FUCKKKK I LOVE YURI SO MUCH.

havent made an entry in a while! honestly i havent had much on my mind worth writing down here. i've been pretty focused on working on my next game. it's coming along really well! i'm really proud of myself. its gonna have double the wordcount than my first game and also TWO!! DIFFERENT POSES!! FOR THE ANTAGONIST!! YOU KNOW I HAD TO DOUBLE ITTTTTTTTTT!

aside from that ive been okay. my parents have been in london since the 15th so its been just me and my brother w our grandparents. my sleep schedule has been utterly fucking ruined. i read To Your Eternity and bawled my fucking eyes out SO many times. i then started the anime and cried even harder. and then i stayed up for the 3.5 stream for genshin! MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS SO FUCKED BRO but its okay (:

classes started toooooo. its pretty easy. i love being brainless business major.

uhh what else what else oh i made an insane fucking purchase. i ordered custom bedsheets. verine is on it. im crazy as fuck im sorry. my only regret is that the image i used has aactually never mind i have no regrets this is gonna be awesome and its gonna motivate me to wash my sheets JUST LIKE THAT ONE PICTURE.. THIS ONE

its so funny how my friend changed the trajectory of my life forever by sending me a picture of an anime boy that looks like he came from enstars ITS ACTUALLY INSANEEEEE. LIKE. FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS LIKE THAT ITS SO SO FUNNY. I LOVE VERINE. IM FUCKING INSANE

aummmmmmm in other newsssssssss. nothing much really.? i guess ill share some songs ive been listenin to recently. i should make a page for music stuff. i love talkin about music..

happy valentines day! i love valentines day. i dunno if im gonna have a valentine this year but tbh i dont really care because all that matters is that i love myself and also i love my friends.

im gonna spend the day making cards for people and rewatching one of my favorite romance animes of all time: tsuki ga kirei! i love this anime. so much. i first watched it around middle school and oh my god its still so good in my opinion. it hurts me so much. when i first watched it i had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time, we dated from 8th grade till the start of 9th grade. the anime reminded me a lot of my relationship with him, very very sweet. it brought me a lot of comfort and hope for the future too! i will always have fond memories of this anime and it makes me cry like a little bitch every time.

i like relationships. i havent dated many people though. i like the idea of it mostly. in most of my relationships im the one that broke up with the other person. ive only been broken up with once. also they were all during my middle school - high school years! so i dont really have much to go on. but i really did enjoy and cherish each relationship i've been in, even if i'm not on talking or good terms with any of my exes. it's really funny actually. i dont know whether or not like, three..? of them are even ALIVE anymore. like, they dropped off the face of the internet and earth. i unadded another one because i met up with him years after we broke up and he said weird shit to me. and i have the other two blocked! im not really sad about any of this. maybe its because in all but one i was the one that ended things. actually yeah that is why. also most of these were years ago so like. why would i dwell.

i can honestly go on and on about how weird my first boyfriend was (the one that tsuki ga kirei reminded me of) but honestly its just comical and also i dunno. i dont care i guess. like, we met up for 2 hours after not speaking for what. FOUR YEARS? WHY AM I RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD FOR FOUR YEARS WHEN WE DATED FOR THREE MONTHS.. actually no i AM gonna rant about this bc this is MY BLOG MY WEBSITE MY JOURNAL WHY CAN I NOT SHITTALK MY EX ON HERE?

ok so like in april 2017 i confessed feelings for this guy because i thought he was funny and cute and liked video games. after a week we start dating. he didnt have social media so we hung out during his after school program and talked through emails. that was in 8th grade. 9th grade rolls around and we're still dating until i break up with him in august or so (mental illness development and extreme paranoia/general distrustfulness of those around me + i didnt know how communicate any of this). we stay of amicable terms until i sort of..shut myself off completely throughout high school. i dont get particularly close with anyone at school i honestly just dissociated all 4 years. i graduated summer 2021. around after that time before i gather the courage to deactivate my instagram and snapchat he somehow gets a hold of my account. we talk a little bit on instagram he just wants to ask if there's any bad blood between us?? which like, okay thats reasonable i guess. he brings up two of our mutual friends dating and how theyre STILL dating. cool i guess. and then hes like oh yeah wanna join our discord id love to discuss stuff with you again and im like you know what. sure man. i do not speak a word in the server. we chat in dms every now and then. i do not initiate any convos because 1) im awkward and never reach out first 2) i sort of suck at 1 on 1 convos LOL 3) im not that interested in talking too much with people from high school lol.. this on and off convo stuff goes on until july 2022 and he wants to meet up on fourth of july and watch the fireworks..? he cancels like, almost last minute and we reschedule our meetup for the 11th. we plan to meetup at a park and then when im halfway there (i am BIKING by the way. hes in a car with his dad) i get a call and his dad is like "yeah this place kind of blows can you guys meet somewhere else" and im like "yeah theres another park nearby" so i have to bike an uphill all the way back. the hangout goes..pretty okay i think. but some weird stuff happened. I was talking about how i dont do a lot of stuff out of my room and how im a little mental and he was like I can fix you. You're one of my projects now i can fix you. LIKE. OK. YOU DONT SAY THAT TO SOMEONE THAT OPENS UP ABOUT BEING MENTALLY ILL? I WAS LIKE. YOU CANT FIX MY AUTISM. and he was like "sure i can i just need to hit yoyr head hard enough ^_^" WITH A STRAIGHT FACE AND I WAS LIKE. OK MAN. WE'RE NOT THAT CLOSE TO JOKE LIKE THAT. also he kept going like DO YOU REMEMBER X? Y? XYZ? ANY OF THESE PEOPLE LOL? and iw as like. No. I dont remember or like thinking about high schoole. a lot of it was reminiscing high school. like i said before MY ASS DOES NOT REMBER!! I AVOIDED PEOPLE WHEN I COULD!!!! he was also like i gotta get you to meet the others like. I appreciate it. But i have a pretty good friend group already /nm /gen /srs. like im not gonna up and leave my current friends for a new group..? at the end when he had to leave he like held his arms out and i was like ? what are you doing. and he was like I always hug. My friends. Come on its been so long. Hug your friends to tell them you love them. PLATONICALLY YOU KNOW. and i was like. Ok man. i was clearly uncomfortable but i cave easily and i just hugged very awkwardly. because im not USED TO HUGGING PEOPLE I DONT LIKE PEOPLE IM NOT CLOSE WITH TOUCHING ME!!!!!!!! >_<. he apologized but i was already thoroughly weirded out so eventually i deactivated my old socials and then eventually unadded him. my friends think i was rent free in his head for all those years and honestly thats really fucking funny to me. like i sorta doubt that. but if it's true that's REALLY fucking funny. I PROBABLY WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD OF A PARTNER (as good as a middle schooler could be atleast) WHY DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME..

anyways yeah that's my rant on one of my exes. the rest dont get their own rant because they all lasted shorter than 4 months and the stories wouldnt be funny. actually i do have one that would be funny. i had my parents drive me 20 hours (1.1k ish miles) to meet up with someone i dated and then i got dumped 3 weeks later. everything after that break up isnt that funny though. um what else. oh i started dating someone ebcause we both kinned from tbhk. hananene/mitsukou realness (we broke up 2 months or so in). one time i broke up with someone because i didnt like that they hurt one of my friends (i am absurdly clingy when it comes to some of my friends) and one day later they sent a mutual friend of ours a 15 page google doc. one of my relationships lasted literally one day or so before i decided it wouldnt work out and i broke up with them by meme captioning a cardboard cutout of joe tazuna from your turn to die. ok thats all the funny things from people i dated i think. I was kind of a shithead. im normal now though. its just funny to look back and laugh at myself and reflect on the past.

i hope im able to finish this project im working on before the due date. classes started back up today!! i have 4 classes and theyre all online GOD BLESS I HATE IN PERSON CLASSES AND BEING NEAR STRANGERS <3 i cant wait to graduate hehehe. but yeah im gonna be busy this week -_- but im gonna do my best!!!!!!!!!! YIPPEEE!!!!! to close this off here's a video i made in august 2017 after my life was irreversibly chanegd by watching tsukigakirei. its so painfully 2017 ESPECIALLY THE SONG LOL. im so excited to rewatch this anime LOL

yesterday i hung out with my friends all day...IRL!!!! i had sooo much fun so much fun this was the crossover i didn't know i needed. we got wendys and they forgot like half our order but not mine i got my 4pc nuggets and seasonal fruit (apples) and i kept getting made fun of for my fruits. I ALSO BOUGHT A MARTH PLUSHIE!! THREE FUCKING YEARS OR SO AGO I MADE A PICTURE OF MARTH PLUSH WITH AN I (HEART) EATING PUSSY HAT AND IT WAS MY PFP FOR SO FUCKING LONG AND NOW I HAVE A PLUSH. I NEED TO GET A HAT FOR HIM. the cashier was so niceys to me too like he let me pay without tax because i didnt have enough cash to pay in full im so fucking lucky like omfg. I JUST HAD SO MUCH FUN I LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH IM GONNA THROW UP. nothing elsse to really say i think. here's pictures!!

MAN TEARS UP AT HEARTWRENCHING SCENE IN CLASSIC FILM THUNDERPANTS (2002) pic.twitter.com/CALZE1r5HA

— mr yaoi friday @ p;inned (@like4tbh) February 12, 2023

aside from that, i really wanna go to a lovejoy concert. i wasn't able to grab any tickets though and dunno if id even be able to go so. lol. it wouldve been nice to go though. im like relapsing into my lovejoy phase. i cant stop listening to call me what you like. i love these mid ash lyrics. fuck. i love music. if i went to a lovejoy concert maybe id kill myself idk. lol.

also i added a link to my vent page on the journal index. just click something (lol see what i did there)(sorry if you didnt play or know of omori this reference sucks sorry). the password is uhh... i forgot lol.

i did my laundry today btw. just saying. im so fuckign awesome. i love myself. the jordan sweep is real.

writing this as i come back from laying motionless in bed for two hours. one might say 'isn't that just a nap' to which i say no, it's quite different. a nappy-wappy entails me curling up in my blankies going snorrrr miimimimiimimii. laying motionless in bed is when i have my bed made and i'm laying on my back, hands perhaps clasped on my stomach or just at my sides while i have my airpods in listening to music. my eyes are closed but i am fully awake the entire time. it's sort of like a mental break (not to be confused with mental breakdown) if you will, where i just let myself be carried by the slower paced music until i have the strength to get up out of bed.

anyways, here's something that's been on my mind for a bit. i'm really autistic at social norms and interpersonal stuff in general. i mean, i had NO idea i was being bullied in middle school or why. one time someone had a crush on me and upon reflecting on the events leading up to them confessing i realized that ohhhhhh thats what they meant by getting flustered. so yeah. im kind of dog at picking up on cues and tone. this leads me to the topic of this rant. FLIRTING. I HATE FLIRTING. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE FUCKING FLIRT WITH ME. ONE TIME SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO FLIRT WITH ME AND I DIDNT KNOW I JUST KEPT TALKING ABOUT DANGANRONPA AND THEY GOT UPSET AT THAT AND SAID "I CAN'T FLIRT WITH YOU FOR ONE SECOND CAN I" LIKE NO. YOU CANT. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE TRYING TO FLIRT WITH ME. RECENTLY AN ACQUAINTANCE (FRIEND..? I BARELY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM I DUNNO IF WE'RE EXACTLY FRIENDS..) HAS BEEN HITTING ME UP. TO PREFACE, I JOKE ABOUT KISSING AND STUFF. I TRY TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IT IS PLATONIC AND I AM JOKING. BUT WHEN I DID THIS THEY WERE LIKE "OH THATS A SHAME". WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT? i really hate flirty people. why would you flirt with someone if you dont know them well or if you're not even interested I CAN'T TELL IF THIS PERSON IS FUCKING WITH ME OR NOT. AND ALSO FLIRTING DOESNT WORK WITH ME IF I BARELY KNOW YOU. PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME ABOUT COMMON INTERESTS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON IF YOU LIKE ME. I'LL KILL MYSELF OTHERWISE. joke. no but seriously.. i hate when i get flirted with i cant tell if theyre joking or not ): and even if it's not a joke i dont Understand. I DONT UNDERSTAND!! WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME INSTEAD OF GETTING TO KNOW ME OR SOMETHING OLEASEEE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE. also, MY ASS CAN NOT FLIRT. I TRIED FLIRTING WITH A GUY I LIKED IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND MY FRIEND CALLED ME OUT AND I WANTED TO END MY MISERABLE LIFE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. also im just bad at flirting in general because i can't tell if i'm being weird or anything. i'd literally rather die than make someone uncomfortable with unwanted advances.

whenever i like someone or develop a crush i just wait one month and if i still have feelings then i usually go out of my way to confess to try and get over it. this has only happened like twice though. and i ended up dating the person in both instances. maybe i'm just really lucky when it comes to relationships. everyone that i dated were just really nice methinks (: anyways all my other relationships i was on the receiving end of a confession. i dont feel too bad about most of those ended, i think i just lost interest in most of those people. also i was like, a high schooler for all but one. it do not matter. if i was hung up on every relationship i was in during my high school years id probably kill myself. just move on bruh its not hard. ive only been in one relationship since high school and the hardest part was adjusting to the absence. it's still difficult to deal with but it gets easier i think.

situationships are also weird to me. i don't get it. if you both like eachother then why not just be in a relationship?? i guess if someone in the relationship has commitment issues then i see why it becomes complicated. i think if i were ever in that situation i'd fucking kill myself. actually now that i think about it i might have been in a situationship at some point and i actually did end up trying to kill myself over it. wow. anyways, i would simply move on from it :D

a few days ago or so i watched a video on donald glover and it gave me a lot of hope for my future. there's just something about being able to pursue and follow anything you want that makes me feel so.. good, for lack of a better word. i wish i had that freedom. honestly, i always wanted to pursue art. unfortunately i have the asian parent stereotype where they want me to work in a hospital and be a nurse. i'd literally rather kill myself than touch another living person. i don't have agoraphobia or anything (i think) i just don't want to be responsible for someone like that. slowly, i'm carving my own path and building upon my own skills. i have so many skills to improve upon and my goal is to be a sort of jack of all trades, master of none. i wanna do music i wanna do art i wanna do coding i wanna make databases i wanna make wikis i wanna watch all the media in the world and read all the philosophy books that are out there i wanna write a book i wanna be a poet i wanna be a streamer i wanna be a content creator I WANT TO DO ANYTHING I WANT!!!!! AND I CAN!! i wont go down into another spiel about how i love humanity but wowww i love being me, and i look forward to the future. on that note, here's a song i really like recently.

today was actually.. pretty good i think..! i was really productive, made plans with friends, and finally got the motivation to work on stuff. i had sushi for dinner and my mom even brought home girl scout cookies..

um. ok step by step. i woke up today and made plans with my friends! we're meeting up on saturday to hangout (: my brother is gonna drive me, i just have to pay him for gas money and my dads gonna pick me up. apparently he'll be in las vegas for the day but he'll come back and pick me up as he comes back from dropping someone off a few cities over. busy guy.

ive been mulling over ideas for a new visual novel game i wanted to make involving oliver morgan, and today i laid out the outline and stuff! i got the outline for the choices, coded the variables (this took the longest, i felt so dumb because i was stumped on something but it turned out to be a really simple fix..) and wrote the prologue and first ending! i'm really excited to work on it more, and even more so to submit it to a game jam i joined!! hehe (:

my winter term is coming to an end this week, i just have two review quizzes left and then i'm done!! and then spring sem starts on the 13th :3 and then i'm done!! wheeeee!! my mom is really pushing for me to get a bachelors and to work in a hospital im just gonna close my ears when i graduate and focus on getting my drivers license LALALALALALA CANT HEAR YOU LALALALALA my dad said i gotta drive the jetskis more because it's a good foundation for driving or something i dont really get it but i mean i guess i do but i dunno.

awwaeaserfsfaf i dunno what else i wanna talk about ahhhhhhhhhh!! im doing okay!!!!!! im doing good!!! ive been able to put a bunch of ideas i have into reality and that makes me soooo happy like wow i can literally do anything i am so skilled and talented and everyone admires me im literally so charming and cool. ive been rewatching my hero academia with some friends and i forgot neito monoma is in it HE'S SOOOO REAL HIS PERSONALITY IS SUCH A TRAIN WRECK HE'S JUST LIKE ME SOMETIMES. I KIN BLONDE BITCHES THAT'S MY FUCKING PROBLEM

ummmm idk how to end this. i made a new palylist. self explanatory title. I MADE TWO ACTUALLY! i wanna make a page talking about every playlist i have. maybe ill make that soon?

i dont have much to write about i think.. ive just been coasting along these past few days! i finished up my video archive youtube channel so there's that. i'm still reluctant to delete the videos on my drive but i'll get around to it eventually i swear it. i tried to see the green comet a night or so ago. i dunno if i actually saw it, but i saw a really bright star! couldnt tell if it was the green comet though, but im gonna pretend that it was lol

february is a fun month for me. i love valentines day so much. granted, ive never spent it with anyone or with a significant other but i think love is such a wonderful beautiful thing and the fact there's a day dedicated to that is so amazing to me. like woww, even in hard times love can persist. i dont think love is a feeling, but a choice. you choose to love something or someone, even if it brings you pain the happiness you get from it makes it worth sticking around for! even if the 'spark' of indulging in a hobby or spending time with someone fades away you can choose to keep going and persisting with them and eventually you see why you persisted and stuck around in the first place. fuck. i love valentines day so much you dont get it. one of these days ill have someone to spend it with and share that love with them but for now ill keep carrying the feelings i have around with me and try to spread the love and joy on my own. for the past like, i dunno. three? four?? idfk how long but i have this tradition on twitter where i make valentine cards for my twitter mutuals. its so fun to do and i love it when other people are happy!! i love when i can bring a smile to someones face or if i can distract for just a fleeting moment! I LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKKKKK!!! here's a card i made last year.

i cant seem to find the older ones before 2022 but maybe thats for the best because i know one of the years i was actually dating someone at the time and it was corny as fuck LOL not really i smile looking back at that relationship i dont even remember why we broke up but thats in the past so its whatever idrc. i dont really think about dating anymore or seeking out new friends in general. things just happen and suddenly i have a new best friend. meeting new people out of sheer happenstance and coincidence is such a beautiful thing to me like if i didn't do this specific action and this specific time i would have never met my best friend, if i didn't indulge this impulsive decision i wouldve never known the joy of dating that one person. even if a friendship or relationship ends in misery there's still joy in the good times that were had and the inherent wonder of the miracle that led to meeting someone in the first place. not once in my life have i ever truly regretted meeting someone. FUCK I LOVE HUMANITY SO MUCH IN GENERAL THE WORLD IS A CRUEL DARK PLACE BUT DESPITE THAT ALL HUMANS CAN BE KIND AND LOVE EACHOTHER AND PERSEVERE TOGETHER FUCKKKKK HUMANITY IS SO WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL I LOVE THIS WORLD SO FUCKING MUCH AUUUUGH EVEN WITH THE LOOMING THREATS AND DREAD THAT COMES WITH EXISTING, OUR BODIES DO SO MUCH TO KEEP US ALIVE, IT'S ENOUGH TO JUST EXIST BECAUSE BEING ALIVE IN ITSELF IS SUCH A WONDERFUL MIRACLE, DOING THE POINTLESS THINGS THAT STOP US FROM KILLING OURSELVES ISNT POINTLESS IF IT KEEPS US ALIVE, ITS SO WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL FUCKKK. I fucking hate nihilists and doomers. being optimistic is so much better when you view the world through this lens. i love life FUCKKKKK I LOVE MY LIFE SO MUCH