HELPPPP I DIDN'T UPDATE MY SITE FOR A WEEK. OOPS. I'VE BEEN SO BUSY AND PRE-OCCUPIED LATELY. I've also just been in sort of like..an art block but for coding and designing pages to make lollllll. IT'S HALLOWEEN!! My house isn't giving out candy, I don't think anyone in my neighborhood is actually..Maybe I'll take a walk in the morning and scope out. I'm almost 20 and still trick-or-treating..lol. October fucking sucked btw lol like October as a whole fucking sucks for me but this year sucked in particular for numerous reasons I don't wish to write about because I'm writing this entry rn to distract from my brain LOLLLL
Man, time fucking flies doesn't it? I've been looking at old videos, clips, messages etc. and going like..Wow. Wowwww?! I dunno lmao, I'm a sentimental person and try to keep track of my memories. It's always fun looking back at stuff even if I get embarassed by how I used to be.
Recently I've been reading a bunch of things, my brain is kind of goo right now lol. ORV, Enstars stories, Vast Error (SORRYYYYY.), and more! I'm so excited for Genshin btw. Like it makes me so fucking sick to think about I'm so so so excited.
Sometimes it feels like I'm reading about a stranger when I look at my site. Like damn, I wrote all that? That was ME?? THIS ISN'T SOME RANDY OFF THE INTERNET I STUMBLED ACROSS? I've felt really detached and distant from myself lately. Oh well.
I've been listening to music (when am i not lol) by Bladee lately. Some of these songs are going hard tbh. Also Twenty One Pilots. Sorry about that. I keep seeing clips of the Lovejoy gig in LA and it makes me soooo fucking mad. I WANT A JOB!!! I WANT MONEY!!!!!! I HATE COLLEGE CLASSES SO FUCKING MUCH I WANNA DROP OUT AND BE A NEET FOREVER. I WANT A BRAINLESS, SOULLESS JOB THAT SO FUCKING EASY THAT WILL KEEP ME ALIVE FOREVER AND GIVE ME MONEY TO INDULGE MYSELF. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK. I DESERVE THE WORLD.
im so fucking glad october is over. fuck
my classes are in full swing. i already feel kind of overwhelmed tbh, but i think i'll survive.. minor inconveniences have been happening and while i'm not super upset or anything it's definitely..grating. it's whatever though. the weather here is finally starting to cool down, no more 80+ degree days!!! yay!!!!!!!!!! maybe i'll start going out to the park around noon again. maybe. i wanna be healthy but it's just..difficult. it's hard to motivate myself unless i get super delusional and psychotic so lol i guess.
almost a month ago a friend of mine told me that not everyday has to be a socialization day and i'm really really grateful for those words. ever since then i've been more selfish and haven't been particularly forcing myself to interact and talk to others every single day. while i do feel a bit guilty at times, its been better for me in the long run to take time for myself. i feel like a broken record at this point but i have been low energy lately and taking some time to isolate helps me a bit.
everytime im made aware of the passage of time i get nauseous and start throwing up blood and throw everything across the room with my telekinesis. what do you MEAN october is already almost over? that 2022 is coming to a close? THAT SCARAMOUCHE IS COMING OUT SOON?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like. ive been friends with my best friend since 2016???????????? ARE YOU JOKING????? THATS OVER LIKE 5 YEARS AT THIS POINT????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK!!!! im gonna throw up.
also discord nitro sucks ass like idk how anyone willingly pays for that shit. like i get it, the benefits and stuff but that should all just be something everyone has by default. "but discord has to make money!" yeah well suck my dick and also my balls. i do not care.
i've been listening to a lot of music lately. wallows has finally overtaken lovejoy as my most listened music artist. finally. also theres gonna be a lovejoy concert in la. fuck. i wanna go so bad. as much as i meme on it i really do like some of the songs.. i was looking at my mutuals on lastfm and i really like my friends bio. here i'll copy and paste it.
Me opening Spotify: Yeah i'm a total soundpilled tunecel. I'm
basically going music mode and i'm giving lyriccore vibes
My 8 year old son Figafaust: Daddy I think God should kill you
idk what else i wanted to talk about. thats all i guess. i've been listening to this song a lot lately
more classes added to my schedule. wehhh. i hate schooooool i wanna be a neet and a leech on society for the rest of my lifee FUCKKKKK. ive kind of been a bit stressed but its nothing super major, and also i love distracting myself so that's awesome for me i think
brain has felt a bit foggy and ive been having more mood swings which sucks i guess. also anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love having mental illnesses and disorders that make me a fucking freak i wish i could be on medication soo badly. i had a dream a while ago i went to the doctor to talk about getting on testosterone and they told me my muscles were too stretchy. weird dream i guess.
i dont even know how i wanna be perceived to be honest, i wish i was a more..expressive person? if that makes sense? like. i can express myself. right. but at the same time i feel like...im not very expressive. i havent had to mask my autism in like 2 years since and it like..just hit me that im not very expressive unless im under like extreme emotional circumstances. i'm always making the |: face. its times like this im thankful for the internet because emojis and emoticons and pictures can more properly convey and express how i feel, i think.
october is over halfway done. i dont know what i wanna be for halloween. maybe ill just wear my legion mask and kurts world shirt. i dunno. lately ive had a lot of anxiety about getting murdered or my throat getting slashed which kinda sucks. i always get nauseous at the idea of dying and death and afterlife and rebirth. existentialism and all that, yknow?
for the most part i think i have a pretty solid understanding of myself. but also i feel like i dont know myself at all! which is why i write these things down and make note of personality quiz results and analyze my astrology chart and try to reflect on myself. sometimes it feels like im just reading about a stranger that i vaguely relate to when i read the things i type. i think ive also been kind of..self-sabotaging and shitty lately. i feel pretty bad about that. average personality disorder haver i guess. i wish i was normal so bad.
depsite my gripes with my self and my mood swings i've been feeling pretty okay and days have been good for the most part and i've been relatively stable. epic win for jordan nation i guess!
some of the videos in my journal might break or have dead links. fuck you streamable i fucking hate you
today i picked up some posters that i ordered the night before and hung them on my wall, it looks less empty now and i love how everything turned out so much. i fear the genshin autism will never leave my brain..weh. i also had sushi for dinner today, and also did my laundry! i need to buy a hair dryer. i also want a wireless charger. i couldve ordered these tonight but i was $2 short and my bitch of a brother wouldnt zelle me $2 because he doesn't use cash FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
my arms and body in general has been hurting recently. not like super badly i just feel sore. ive been typing and playing a lot of beat saber recently so maybe thats why..? i also had back pain while hanging up my posters which sucked ): whatever though
also the 11th was apparently coming out day, and i didn't realize it at all. here's my coming out. lol. i've been hoarding xenogenders lately, i love being unlabeled and having a labelhoard. this makes sense to nobody but me and some other autistic people. i hate gender it sucks i hope we all die. today after my shower i stared at my reflection and started trimming my hair because i didn't see myself in the reflection.
5 weeks clean of doing bad things. please clap. thanks for clapping. i've been listening to a lot of wallows recently. my comfort white boy band. i've been a fan since 2019 and their music still manages to hit me where it hurts sometimes, it's kind of crazy. some wallows lyrics are on my song lyric page. i hope i can go to a concert one day, i think i might actually cry during it. i love music a lot. i don't lyric post on my private twitter account like a lunatic anymore but fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk they were so real for this i seriously start tearing up sometimes when i listen to this fucking song i feel crazy.
still seeking an emotional release, i havent cried in a while theres nothing even wrong right now, in fact things are great!! i just feel like im bottling something up and need to fucking scream my lungs out till their hoarse or cry until my head is pounding. its gonna be almost 2 years since The Reckoning. i dont know how to feel about that.
anyways, here's a pic of my wall now!
I WOKE UP TO LIKE 53 DOLLARS ADDED TO MY ACCOUNT SO I BOUGHT THE HAIR DRYER AND CHARGER. I LOVE LIFE. I'm also thinking of changing the font for everything on the site. giggles
first week of october is out! i was stable all week. i didnt really do too much honestly. i've been really low energy recently so ive been a bit more withdrawn than id like to be. i hate not talking to people. speaking of talking to people, i am so bad at talking to people like jesus christ whats wrong with me awawawawawaa. its ok though. ive also been having mood swings but only past 11PM so it doesn't matter (picture of that yellow super sonic with the text next to him that says "new rule: dont trust your feelings after 11pm")
im gonna be getting More classes added to my schedule this month. scary scary scary. i will cope somehow..
ive just been really tired but things will get better. i feel like a broken record saying shit like 'im tired' and 'im so low energy' but i just..dont have anything else to say? lol? i feel bad for my friends for having to put up with me, even if i dont burden them or bother them with my problems i still feel bad i guess lol.
gender sux. maybe im just super dysphoric and autistic but mannn omg. i like hoarding xenogender labels. i really dunno how to describe myself and my identity. to normal people ill just say 'yeah, im a guy im a male im a man' but its so much.. more than that i guess. i like when people use my neopronouns a lot, i understand why its difficult or that it can be bothersome so i dont mind it too much but when i see or hear people using my neopronouns i always feel so..happy. like. yep. thats me.
also hey, new journal feature! now you dont have to be subjected to my heavier posts if you care! theyre hidden, just hover over the redacted text to see it! ill put in something i wrote so you can test it. this is mostly for me though. ill slowly be going back and adding these tags in to my prior posts.
in a similar vein, sexuality and attraction is very..strange to me. like, dont get me wrong i do fall in love and like people, i think just..bad experiences and autism makes it hard for me or something, you know? i use bisexual as a catch-all term but honestly i dont really know! and also sex! sex is gross! this isnt to say i dont jerk off or look at porn because i absolutely choke the chicken sometimes but man sex is gross. i dunno, i just cant take it seriously i guess? but at the same time i crave love and intimacy i guess im just scared of being vulnerable again.
i love love and love loving and love the idea of love but loving people means that someone will Know you. does that even make sense? i dont want to be known because sometimes im convinced im filled with maggots and theyre all writhing looking for a orifice to crawl out from and when they all leave all thats gonna be left behind is an empty husk of flesh bone and cartilage. if someone sees that i might just kill myself (joking). i dunno. id rather like other people and love them than be loved back, id rather feed my affection in than receive. i dont think my sense of self is stable enough to be loved, i change on a whim and i am just very.. i think im a lot. even if im not. its just what i think, really so im sure that reality is different but that doesn't stop my brain from thinking like that
wow that was a lot of words sorry about that i guess. here's a song
ive been listening to a lot recently.
The urge to self-isolate is back (-: there's a lot on my mind and I just..can't really put it into words right now, no matter how many times I try to express it I just can't do it. I wish time would just stop for a bit so I can get all the rest I need before getting back on my feet.
I seriously envy people that talk to their parents and siblings. Something about being able to just..talk to your sibling or family makes me so jealous. My relationship with my family is so..weird. Is it an asian family thing where we just aren't talkative with eachother?
Mental illnesses and personality disorders make me want to die. I've been trying hard to manage my symptoms but upon closer inspection it seems I am one bad day away from ending it all (': I'm okay though, no need to worry. I'd love to get put on medication one day but it really just isn't feasible. Am I just lazy? I've been looking at my old health records and It's still amusing to see psychosis on there. I laugh at it as if I wasn't in full meltdown mode about a year ago thinking that if I killed myself I'd get to go 'home' wherever that is.
Speaking of suicide, it's gonna be almost two years since my attempt this month. I almost forgot about that honestly! I've come a long way, I think. I know recovery isn't exactly a linear thing but man, whenever i'm back at square one I feel so worthless. Maybe I should stop listening to sad music. I've been trying to make myself cry because I haven't had a good cry in a while and maybe that emotional release will cheer me up a bit. Who knows?
I don't know if I have a form of PTSD sitting in my brain. I went on
IDRLabs as I typed this to see if they had a PTSD test and they did. I
took it out of curiousity thinking that I was overreacting but.
A bit worrying..I know a little online test isn't *everything* but it's the closest I can get to taking steps to improving since I can't really seek professional help. These results kind of make sense. I hate recalling painful things and avoid things a lot so..Yeah. It's still hard to accept, though. Me? Experiencing/Having PTSD? Surely not..Others have suffered more than I have, so why am I complaining? If these words were said to me by a friend I could easily generate a response or a reassuring word of comfort, but when it comes to Me I'm just..ambivalent.
Oh well. It's 1:50AM, and you know how the saying goes! Don't trust your thoughts and feelings past 11PM! I'm sure things will work out (optimistic grip on my knee drawing blood as I type)
Stink ball september is over. quite a pungent month. mercury retrograde ends soon and i cannot be happier. a lot happened this month. i'm really tired. managing mental illness symptoms is difficult sometimes, but i've been relatively stable for the month. Check it out, y'all. I'm so normal and well adjusted. My memory has been getting worse recently, while my brain has always been bad with memory this month has been particularly hard to recall, hence the lack of journal entries.. I'll be okay though. I'm coping so well (-: My anxiety has felt a bit worse this month but it's fine. I'll be fine. I am so normal. I have a lot of things to look forward to this month. Don't ask what they are I just know that good things are going to happen to me, kay?
October is one of my favorite months. I love candy and sweets and horror a lot. I look forward to spending time with my friends doing Halloween stuff and watching movies and stuff. Aheehee giggle.
I think I need to learn to be more selfish. I've honestly been kind of a mess recently but I will get better (-: