pretty okay day today! my arm has been hurting these past few days but it's felt better lately. i saw a tiktok about arm/hand stretches and i did it and it started feeling a little better. ill probably do it more often. i should take better care of myself!
my aunt took me black friday shopping with her. i didn't buy anything, just a new pair of shoes. my aunt bought me an early christmas gift though, and it arrived today! it's a charging dock for my oculus. it comes with batteries that recharge when I set them down which is awesome! but it doesn't fit on my shelf. i put it on my table. it probably would have been easier to just buy rechargeable batteries but i got to organize my cables soooo i dont really care ^_^
if you dont think it looks organized then shit yourself. looks fine to my. thats what matters. i wish it fit on my white shelf but there was too little space since the shelf is pretty small so it sits on my folding table for now. i think my next "big" purchase is a white table and sidetable with shelves because the one in the picture is a bit too flimsy for my liking and i cant reliably put heavy stuff in it.
i've been playing some more valorant. started playing competitive, but
in a super casual way. ive been playing like a bot lately, and have
been having some cartoonishly bad plays. check it.
so fucking cartoonish. i love video games. a shame i have no money. a lot of games i wanted went onsale for steam autumn sale, but alas. no job and no income. if i ask my parents for video game money i'll kill myself. oh well, theres always next time.
also, i drew today!! i made an actual picture that isnt a small
doodle!! its in my art gallery, but i'll share the timelapse. i like
looking at my timelapses. this drawing was for fun. ive been wanting
to draw for a while but alas, i lacked inspiration until this point..
Happy turkey day I had lobsterrrrr andddd salmonnnnn anddd riiiiice. Yum. Spent the day gaming as always and working on coding stuff!!! I also changed the notepad page password. ill probably change it every month to switch things up. i kinda want a new journal layout but i'm lazy and uncreative so it's just gonna chill like that for neow. new milgram song came out too and it's sooo good. idk what i'm voting yet. it's pretty straightforward on what he did too so! i think i just wanna wait for the drama cd translations, i heard that it's strange. Backdraft leaked on spotify a little before the MV dropped and i was seriously fighting demons trying not to listen to it LOL.
i don't want thanksgiving break to end... i still feel a bit tired out but i will be okay.. ALSO GENSHIN LIVESTREAM TONIGHT I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE SCARAMOUCHE I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF I AM SO EXCITED WEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
ummm. hint for the password on the notepad vent page. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. here? idk if anyone will look though and idc its just for me to look back on i guess i like to see how i change over the months because i'm obsessed with myself NOT IN A NARCICISSTIC WAY BUT IN A SELF-LOVE SORT OF WAY I DON'T THINK I'M BETTER THAN MOST PEOPLE IN FACT I AM QUITE INSECURE MOST OF THE TIME But the self love stuff i practice helps boost my self esteem so yahoo yipee,
anyways. fave car seat headrest song still. this was actually the first one i listened to!! all the way back in 2019!! it still resonates with me. i don't know if i'm on the ace spectrum but i think i am. LIKE. I ROMANTICALLY LIKE ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE TBH. BUT SEX STUFF IS. WEHH. there's a term for how i feel but i don't like using microlabels. i don't wanna say i'm ace either but i dunno. sexuality stuff is confusing. whatever!! i don't see myself being in a relationship again for a while so i won't worry too much
I've been thinking about myself (when am i not) lately, like my personality, typology, shit like that. I like taking personality quizzes and reading about myself a lot, seeing what fits and what doesn't. It's partly why I have a slight interest in astrology! I wanted to understand myself! I might make a page seperately for that but I dunno how to feel about that. I'm kind of a private person when it comes to my astrology placements, only a few people know my full chart and the ones that do don't know what the fuck it means LMFAO. Knowing someones chart is kind of like having a guide on learning to manipulate them. WEIRD JUMP I KNOW. BUT I AM A PARANOID PERSON LOL. I was reading my chart recently and I was like yep.. It's true. I DO do this stuff. I first got into astrology stuff back in high school I think, and as I've matured I feel like I've grown into aspects that didn't previously fit me too well. The me from four years ago wouldn't agree with certain aspects! And that's okay.
In a similar vein, I've been taking note of my mental state. I looked
back on my health records again, specifically my mental health stuff.
TBH Sometimes I forget I was diagnosed with things. Like wowwww no
wonder I am like this. I was literally diagnosed with a depression
disorder and an anxiety disorder. AND THAT WAS JUST WHEN I WAS 16.
JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET A PSYCHIATRIST AT MY BIG AGE. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
But for now I can't do that, so I will simply be normal in the
meantime. I also like to scroll back on my private twitter accounts
and see how I've progressed. Or how much of it is incomprehensible!
Literally what did I mean by this
Anyways I'm really normal. I am so normal and well adjusted. XOXO. I know who I am and what kind of person I am at my core, I'm proud of myself and my progress too.. This isn't to say I don't struggle with my mental health because I definitely do but like..I feel okay. I am an optimistic person and while that makes me blind to the flaws of others until it's literally in my face I think that kind side of me is good. It is good to be kind and care for others. I'm not a doormat though. I just..care a lot I guess. WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS TANGENT GOINGGGGG LMFAOOOOOO. I like who I am. My self-confidence in myself may fluctuate but at the end of the day I am me, and no one else is me, I am irreplacable and loved by my friends and that makes me happy. The things I lack will find me in time too. Wow I wrote this when I was a relatively meh headspace but now it flipped to this LOL
I've been trying to get Are You Alright? and Your New Boyfriend off of my last.fm highest scrobbled albums lately. I've mostly been streaming Remote from Wallows but other than that I'm not sure what other albums to stream.. A friend suggested some Car Seat Headrest and while I DO like the album and songs I don't think I could put that on loop for a long time. Maybe I'll stream a glaive album. Not sure...
Drawing art has been difficult lately. My arms and limbs and body in general have been hurting but also it just feels..tiring to draw I think? I PEAKED WITH THAT ONE YAOI DRAWING I DID OF MY OCS. LIKE. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THAT. I do want to draw more intimacy stuff though it's always so fun to draw I just don't know What. LIKE I KNOW BUT I'M LAZY I GUESS. I HAVENT DRAWN ALL MONTH I THINK. I'lllllll be fine though. its okay :3
Anyays, here's an awesome clip I took recently.
AUTISM LEVELS CATASTROPHIC i fucking love listening to music sooooo much i keep stimming to wallows i wish i didn't live with people so i could sing out loud instead of quietly talking to myself I WANNA FUCKING GO CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKKKK!!! I started working on my wallows shrine I WANNA PUBLISH IT ALREADYYYY FUCKKKKK BUT I DON'T LIKE PUBLISHING WORKS IN PROGRESSES ID RATHER PUBLISH A PAGE WHEN IT'S ALL DONE!!! Don't look at my glaive page that one doesn't count ok i don't like glaive as much as i do wallows. I really do like how it's coming along though, check it out!!
i loveeeee how it's coming along i feel sooo crazy like fuckkk I LOVE MUSICCCCCC FUCKKKK CAN WE GET UP AND TRY TO FEEL OKAY AGAINNNNNNNN I look at my last.fm scrobbles and go yeahhhhhh i listened to music alright hehehe hohoho music is so os so so soso so important to me i cannot lie. i don't usually listen to remixes but i really like this OK remix
thanksgiving break is coming up and i am sooo fucking relieved that i can have some time away from school to catch a break. how are we already halfway through november? IT'S GONNA BE DECEMBER SOON TOO!! WEHHHH!!!!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE FUTURE FOR NO REASONNNNN FUCKKKKKKKKK USUALLY I GET SAD BUT LATELY I'VE BEEN SO ^_^ ABOUT THINGS..MY LIFE IS LIKE A SHOUJO MANGA EXCEPT I'M NOT A GIRL AND I'M NOT PULLING.
also holy shit the stuff happening with twitter is soo annoying I NEED ELON MUSK TO KILL HIMSELF NEOWWWWWW.
i have so many projects i wanna work on but i feel like my head is gonna get popped like a balloon trying to work on it all at once. i remembered i made a visual novel game and that people are actually like..waiting for a sequel on that and i felt like i was gonna die likeeee WOWWW PEOPLE LIKE THE THINGS I MAKE??? WHATTTTT?? I don't wanna let them down!!!! but also i have no motivation to write and when i DO it's about unrelated original characters or just trauma dumping LOL it's okay though, things will work out just fine ^_^ oh wow my arm fuckin hurts i think i typed a lot of ways, i should probably learn a more proper way of typing lest i get carpal tunnel.. oh well!
contrary to how i'm presenting myself, i'm carrying a lot of negative emotions right now and i'm full of paranoia and shit but i'm just gonna keep trucking along. i look back at the person i used to be in high school and it makes me really happy to see how much i've mellowed out and how far my best friend has come too. we've grown so much since we first met, and i really appreciate her a lot. i wish i could do something to help her out or something but for now i'll cheer her on from my corner. seeing how other people view and perceive me is so interesting too. i'm full of so much love and appreciation that it drowns out my sadness and paranoia and stress from school. i wanna get a job soon so i can use alllll my money on my friends and i!
i'd say i'm quite happy right now! circling back around to the topic of music, this album grew on me a lot, like on my second listen through i get it now. i really do. banger album i need to slam my head against the wall now
you know how in the first episode of my little pony friendship is magic where twilight is learning about the mane six and how they relate to the elements of harmony and pinkie pie laughs in the face of danger of fear? that's how i feel right now. maybe this is another swing but man i think my life is a comedy and i'm the main star baby, everything right now is just so comedic and funny to me! i haven't been coping like usual (sleeping) but instead just spending more time with my friends and. just doing what i've always done! playing games and taking it easy! i'm irresponsible and flaky and fickle but man am i fucking free! everything is so fucking funny too like !!!!!!! L M F A O! i dunno, i've just been happy lately, atleast as i typed this up.
i have this habit of viewing things as a joke or a character arc in my life instead of a traumatic or distressful thing that happened to me and honestly? it's slaying. i'm already a pretty detached and disconnected person and this may not help me much at all but idk it's making me happy and feel more chill about this month so what's the harm? exactly. there is no harm. i'm the best and everyone that isn't someone i care about is beneath me.
my sleeping schedule is still erratic as always (see: posted at 1:30am) but it's felt so..normalcoded. like. i feel tired around 10pm. and then i lay down for 30mins in bed and i'm fine to go for another 4 hours before crashing. and then i wake up at 7am feeling refreshed and awake! and then i'm like "i'm unemployed as fuck and my class is at six pm" so i sleep till 10-11 am and feel groggy. i dunno. i think there's something so wrong with me right now but instead of addressing those problems i will instead keep being myself because there's nothing wrong with me and no one has told me to change.
love my friends so much btw I NEVER SAY THIS TO ANYONES FACE AND I DON'T REACH OUT TO OTHERS BECAUSE I'M PRETTY STUPID BUT MANNNN I'VE FELT SO GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS THESE PAST COUPLE DAYS both my main friend group and my mutuals on social media like holy SHIT i know so many cool people and i appreciate them all so fucking much LOL sorry that's sappy as fuck and i hate expressing affection but wawwawawawawawawawawa IT'S TRUE!!! everyday is filled with so much fun and whimsy i can't help it. again maybe it's because i'm in another swing but hahahahaha i'm sooooo like ehhehehehehe ^_^
music is everything to me SHOUT OUT TO GLAIVE SONGS!!!! I don't have a playlist specifically FOR glaive but i find myself looping a lot of songs by glaive lately. real as fuck TBH. here's a playlist that has a handful of the main ones i listen to though
damnnnn this past week has been fuckin crazy like actually. anyways its 11/11 as i type (hopefully i finish typing this and it's still 11/11) and god damn there's a lot in my brain but i am very bad at words. i have a lot of ideas for pages i wanna make but like it's so difficult to actually get off my ass to do it yknow? i've been keeping up with school a bit better though so that's good atleast. my mom put up christmas decor some days ago and i've been thinking of which anime boy plush to hide in the christmas tree. i'm thinking my aether chibigurumi but i'm not really too sure.
twitter has been going down the fucking shitter lately and usually i don't worry too much about that but damnnnn it's really going down the shitter. hopefully it gets better because where else am i supposed to be insane? TUMBLR? fuck no LMFAOOOOOOOO. i downloaded my archives anyways IDK IF I TALKED ABOUT THIS IN A PREV ENTRY BUT WHATEVER i got my acc archives juuuust in case so slay i guess
im just about done farming for scaramouche and i am soo excited for december i think december 7 is the only reason i haven't killed myselFTHATS A JOKE THATS A JOKE I DONT MEAN THAT THERE ARE MANY REASONS TO LIVE BUT GENSHIN IS MY MAIN ONE BECAUSE I'M CRAZY AS FUCK but yeah i'm pretty excited for that
i cried again like a few minutes before writing this up. tbh i really need to fucking scream my lungs out and shit but that's not really feasible so i'm just chilling. had to reset a few timers for my bad habits so that's awesome (JOKE)(IT ISN'T AWESOME) but i'll keep trucking along. i think something bad might happen to me soon but that might just be paranoia
also i'm really fucking sweaty as i typed that i'm wearing a sweater because it's cold but if it's on too long i get warm and sweaty which is gross YUCK so i take it off and then i get cold again IT'S AN ENDLESS CYCLEEEE i've been listening to some vocaloid stuff lately and i really like this one it's kind of penismusic core or whatever but i like it and that's what matters and anyone that shits on me for it gets sent to super hell LOL
weather is getting colder. wrote this as I got back from class, and good lord i hate cold weather. seriously, how do people like this shit? it's cold, it gets dark, and there's no sunshine and warmth. this shit sucks penis dick balls and perhaps nuts. i wore a long sleeve under my kurtsworld shirt and also gloves, it kind of helped stave off the cold but not enough. didn't really help that my brother had the windows down while driving me. speaking of my brother he's been nicer to me lately (and by nice i mean bringing me food and making conversation SOMETIMES). maybe because we almost got into a car crash last week? does he feel bad?? who fucking knows, i can't get a read on him anyways so I won't sweat it too much.
twitter seems to be going downhill. i doubt ill switch back to tumblr. i'm a social lurker and don't do too good on blogging sites. regardless, i downloaded my account archives for my main and private account just in case. it was fun to go through! i also found out that today is my one year anniversary of playing our life beginnings and always! such a good fucking game. shoutout to cove holden the specialest boy ever. game changed my life for real. last week was also my one year anniversary of being verinepilled and two year anniversary of playing hello charlotte! something about november makes me play video games that change the trajectory of my life forever, huh?
i love thinking about hello charlotte sooooo much like damnnnn charles
eyler is literally me I DON'T CARE IF I'M ALMOST 20 SAYING THIS SHIT
IT'S TRUE AND ANYONE THAT THINKS THEY CAN RELATE TO CHARLES LIKE I DO
NEEDS TO EXPLODE. not really. but i do mean it. but not really. I was
looking back at the extra files in heavens gate and good lird. he's
just like me for real. look at this shit bro
i feel SICKKKKKKKKKKKKK. FUCKK. DENJI PIC WHERE HE'S LOOKING AT THE TV SCREAMING HERE. FUCKKK. I'm normal about this game by the way. Incredibly fucking normal. I should fix up my hello charlotte shrine soon, it was one of the first pages i made for the shrine stuff so it's kind of scuffed LMFAO.
These past couple days have been a biiiit draining with school and social stuff but I'm sure I'll be okay. Things always turn out okay in the end; this has been my philosophy for like five years straight and it hasn't failed me yet so. And by fail i mean i haven't like died or anything. So technically it'll fail when I die. Which won't happen, because I'm the most important person on earth. Sorry had to suck myself off for a second there that's how I cope.
oh, also i cleared out my liked albums on spotify and revisted a few. i love listening to music. lastfm was down for a bit earlier and i thought i was going to die. i fear i may have another lovejoy phase again, this one song is so damn good. damn im hungry as fuck so i'll end this post off here to eat my subway sandwich. yum! here's the song by the way. love it. IF I HAD IT MY WAY YOU'D SLEEP ON THE CONCRETE. FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR.
happy first week of november! NOT! November has sucked so fucking much so far I want to drop out of college and run away to go die in a ditch i fucking hate college. I'm not even studying something I enjoy I'm just going to college because my parents told me to lol but whatever I'll get over it i don't care (yes i do). i got so overwhelmed by stress that i finally managed to cry last night which was awesome too. got me on the floor and shit bawling and wailing and weeping LETS FUCKING GOOOOO I'M NOT AN EMOTIONLESS ROBOT!!!
i got reminded that tomorrow is a full moon and i was like ohhhhhh. that's why i was crying earlier. so now i'm gonna blame my every issue on the planetary and lunar alignments instead of myself. there is nothing like delusions of grandeur to keep myself going. did you know that's literally what manifestation is? it's literally thinking about something hard enough and with intent until it happens. like, tiktok and shit has like ruined how people approach manifestation and stuff and over complicated it with "methods" and shit and also everyone on tiktok thats into manifestation are doing it for the wrong reasons..? dont get me wrong i dont frown upon people that are doing the nikola tesla method shit to get attention from someone WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR ENERGY INTO THAT OF ALL THINGS INSTEAD OF SELF IMPROVEMENT OR MONEY. I can't talk about that though because that's how i got into manifestation and it backfired so hard on me and now the person has me blocked (i think. i haven't checked recently). manifestation practices and spirituality in general is so intriguing to me partly because it worked for me a few times and it made me be like woah. how'd that happen. anyways i love being fucking delusional HEART EMOJI.
also. i fucked up so badly with school, i focused too much on my newer class that i neglected my other one and i just. missed an ENTIRE module. gonna try and make those up, i seriously need to focus more on this even if i'm not enjoying it. career options are scary and the things that DO intrigue me i need to be in shape and fit for. which kind of sucks. i'm sure things will work out somehow.
been going into a new phase of music. i was listening to drain gang
all last week but now im revisiting some stuff by glaive. i like their
lyrics and put their stuff on shuffle. i'm actually making a page for
the spiral section dedicated to songs by glaive that i like! i'm
having fun with it. their latest release is kinda nuts and of course i
listen to it at the most weird time of my life ever. thank you
universe, very cool!
slowly but surely my stress level is building up. i hate being put in a situation, and also being mentally ill. but whateverrr!!!!!!!
been trying to find motivation to do shit and make pages or even just draw but i'm so. unmotivated. like i dont fucking care about shit right now i just want everythign to be chill. im sick of college and of school i need to magically get rich right fucking now so i can drop off the face of the earth and not have to worry about anything ever
i've been thinking about how i perceive myself lately. i look at my site like i'm reading about some other stranger and not myself. like wow. thats all about me? really? it really doesn't feel like it, but i don't know how to make it feel more like..me. whatever! i am so like..genuinely stupid sometimes it's not even funny. maybe it's because i'm autistic but lol. i hate being called talented because everything i know is just something i learned and something that anyone can do if they try hard enough. it's also been getting difficult to like..care about other people in general. i've felt really fucking selfish recently and it's showing so much LOL whatever. i'm just going through an episode of feeling detached from things i guess,everything has just been so so tiring
weather is getting so cold. i hate the cold so fucking much anyone that likes cold weather is insane how do you do it because i sure can't. the only good thing about cold weather is getting to do my yearly touch-starved heated blanket setup. wahoo.
my favorite manga ever ended and i finally got around to reading the ending. i loved it so much. i talk about it more on my media page but theyre the everythings ever. truly a yandere4deredere type romance. shoutout to the realest straight people ever.
happy novemberrrrrrrr. iiiiii don't really care about november. i don't care about thanksgiving either. mm yum turkey (i say as if i can differentiate turkey and chicken. spoiler alert. theyre both birds and they both taste the fucking same. i dont give a shit) though, i will say that i like how..actually i dunno how to phrase this lol. i LIKE november but it isn't my favoritest month ever.
i went trick or treating. got a lot of candy, which surprised me. i didn't think houses in my neighborhood would be handing out candy. a pleasant surprise indeed, a few houses were soo crazy. of course there were a few blocks that didn't have any lights/decor/candy/etc but it's okay. my legs still hurt from walking so much, they're so sore. i trick or treated in my neighborhood for about two hours before heading home. i went alone without parental supervision. im almost 20 and went trick or treating all by myself, and you know what? i had fun. it was fun, okay? fuck you. shut the fuck up i hate you
i've been listening to a lot of bladee lately. super fun music. here's a song i like
my head hurts lol. a lot on my mind lately but it's whatever. i fucking hate my history class so goddamn much but whateverrr.
warning: sex also can i just say that i think sex is fucking disgusting? i'm already seeing no nut november memes. anyone that jokes about nnn is a fucking coomer and i hope they all die it isn't funny you just have a blossoming porn addiction and issues and problems. though to be fair i'm repulsed by irl sex in general. also i haven't really jerked off in like months but i think that's just because i'm too depressed and also looking at porn and sex and shit just makes me feel grossed out like holy shit thats gross. joking about sex is fine though. but imagining myself in sexual scenarios is SO FUCKING GROSS LIKE HOLY SHIT I WOULD NOT EAT PUSSY OR SUCK DICK OR LET ANYONE NEAR ME LIKE THAT EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW.
note to self: buy a new charging cable for my phone and a new screen protector and maybe some lights for my room i wanna decorate my room more i like putting stuff on my wall its so fun ive also been wanting to buy from those like instagram slime shops like damn id love to fucking squeeze that shit as hard as i possibly could oh fuck yeah