12/28/22 2:29AM
about a night ago (technically two now? idk it was on the 26th) i went to another party. it was the same house i went to before. i went mostly because well. i felt like it. i had fun the other day too so like. why not? and i did! i had a lot of fun! the girl i met the other day was there and we talked for a few hours again and then hung out in the garage while people started partying. alcohol and smoking makes me anxious, no reason in particular. it stank in there but i didn't mind too much. i had fun though, i mostly spent the time sitting down bouncing my leg while everyone danced. im a people-watcher and social lurker after all. my tito kept trying to get me to dance but i am so painfully autistic and also a bit socially inept. aka, i cannot dance. my dad recorded it. i looked ridiculous. im the guy in the white flannel if it isn't obvious.

i could not for the life of me tell you why the video quality is shit. my dad has an iphone 11 pro max or whatever. it looked fine on his phone but it shat itself when i texted it to my phone. is it because my phone is an SE? whatevber. anyways, i'm not a party person. i mean, i am extroverted and outgoing, i LOVE being around people, i'm just pretty quiet and laid back. the party was a lot of fun and i enjoyed myself a lot, even if i passed on taking shots. i gotta say though, my friend was 17 and took 4 shots before i left. i respect that. braver than me, that's for sure. i dont know what id be like if i was drunk or high. its something i wanna cross off my bucket list eventually though.

aside from the party i've been taking it easy these past three days since my last entry. i got steins;gate as a present from my friend and i really enjoy it so far. rintaro is so fucking delulu, he's so real. makise and mayuri are also really fun characters. I ALSO FINISHE DMY LAST DRAWING OF THE YEAR!! I'm really happy with how it turned out. you can find the full piece on my art page. here's the timelapse. it is so funny to me cuz u can see when exactly i gave up on painting and decided to do lineart instead. i love mamiya. realest game ever to me and i wish all the characters soo much happiness.

12/25/22 8:11PM
really interesting christmas eve the other day. started off pretty normal. i don't remember anything until later into the day LOL i just know i went on a walk ive been trying to go on walks by myself everyday like actually by myself i usually take my dog but she pulls and rushes me its nice to just walk at my own pace i only have the courage to go around the block a little bit because im scared if i go any farther im gonna get killed thank you grandma for implanting that fear into my brain. anyways my friend group did a secret santa, i was the one pulling the strings and running it. there was an odd number of us so some people got the same person twice. and also 2 people didnt have ANYONE. i did not realize this until like, the last second. i panic bought two or three games for those people and almost got an overdraft fee. thankfully it didnt charge my account until the day after when i got my christmas presents from my mom. she got me a genshin impact hoodie and my brother got me a michael kors shirt. i like it a lot. i wish i wasnt autistic so i could express how joyful i was. aside from that my mom made me and my brother spin a wheel twice for money. the prizes ranged from 5 to 25 dollars. i got the lowest possible moneys twice. i got $10. and then my grandma gave me a fifty. thats $60. i had that split between my checkings and stocks. actual christmas miracle that it didn't charge my account that night im so blessed and also the universe's specialest little guy. also, on christmas eve night i went to a house party at a family friends house. i half-expected to say hi and then fall asleep somewhere because, yknow, i was sweating bullets moments before buying presents and my account was seemingly gonna get overdrafted. not what happened. i hung out in the garage watching my friends dad box in VR. i ended up off-handedly mentioning i have a vr headset too, although its mostly to work out via beat saber. and then i met this girl. ok to preface this i look kind of fucking gay. short hair, white shirt, black flannel and track pants. and also a mask (deathly afraid of getting sick, also i had the sniffles). anyways. this girl goes up to me, and she ASKS ME FOR MY PRONOUNS. I WAS SO SCARED, AND ALSO STUNLOCKED. I GOT SCARED AND SAID ANY IS FINE. WHY DID I SAY THAT!! IM OUT AS TRANS (ALBEIT NOT VERY ACCEPTED) WHY DID I FUCKING LIE!! anyways i said i use any and they were like oh okay! and i asked what she uses and they were like 'i use she/they'. i then forgot what led into this topic but it was probably the vr thing. anyways she had diluc from genshin as her wallpaper. and i was like yeah do you like genshin. yeah i saw your wallpaper lol. and we talked about that for a while. i made it soo obvious that i was a fuckin loser and yet we managed to talk for 2ish hours till i had to go. we talked for two hours AND I NEVER GOT HER FUCKING NAME BUT I ADDED HER ON DISCORD AND THEN I GOT SCARED SHES GONNA CALL ME A FAG IF SHE CLICKS THE LINK TO MY EXTENDED BIO IN MY PROFILE LIKE AUUUUGH I FORGOT I USE NEOPRONOUNS WAAAAAAAAUUUGH. my friends reassured me she will not think im a fag though so. im hopeful. anyways back to the name thing. i asked my mom if she knew what her name was and my mom was like YOU DON'T REMEMBER? WE LITERALLY STAYED IN THEIR HOUSE? and i was like ? Huh ? so. funny story. two years ago i went to drive up to washington to meet the person i was dating at the time. when we were in seattle WE SPENT A NIGHT AT THIS PERSONS HOUSE? I WAS LITERALLY IN HER FUCKING HOUSE APPARENTLY? I DID NOT KNOW THIS. I DID NOT REMEMBER IT BECAUSE IT WAS LITERALLY FOR A FUCKING NIGHT. AUGH. funny how the world works innit. that was fucking crazy i guess. a weird christmas eve but certainly not a bad one. also like the first thing i said when i got to the party was call a girl really pretty. IT WAS SO AWKWARD HELP MY MOM WAS LIKE "LOOK IT'S (i dont remember this girls name either) DO YOU REMEMBER HER" and i like stared at her and said "No I don't remember. But you're really pretty." AND THEN WALKED PAST HER AFTER SHE SAID OH THANK YOU ^_^ LIKE LMFAOSAOSONSJFDN i wasnt lying tho she Was pretty. everyone deserves a little compliment every now and then. anyways for christmas day i played some Steins;Gate. my buddy jet got it for me for christmas so i wanna get around to that. buying visual novels is like buying a book from barnes and noble. i wanna start reading more books but idk what books id like because the only books i read are warrior cats. also i binge read the entirety of the public safety arc for chainsaw man. i liked it. um um um what elseeeee i dunnoooo.. im antsy about my trip to alaska coming up though. i look forward to it!!! im just!!!!! idk how i feel actually.

oh also also im trying to crank out one last drawing for the new years. idk if i have the strength to do it though. trying to draw is hard but whatever. also i found out csp has a light mode BURN YOUR RETINAS NEOWWWW

okok thats all i think. umm idk how to close this off. heres a song i rediscovered after seeing an omori edit. can you believe omori is 2 years old today? wowie!
12/22/22 12:25AM
omfg im late but idc the sequel to mamiya just got announced and i am seriously so sick and nauseous right now like holy shit

12/21/22 7:11PM
wow, i just found out why i felt so down yesterday. it is in fact, not my fault, but the moons and planets. no i'm not delusional i'm fucking normal and if you ever think for a second that i'm weird i'll. i wont finish that threat that's not nice and i should be kind LOL. hold on before i actually talk more i wanna show this pic thats #LITERALLY_ME. i think abt this fucking fanart so much.

drawn by caerulen on twitter. THIS PICTURE IS SOOOO ME IT'S UNREAL. anyways. where was i. oh yeah. so like. astrology. i use it as a tool to benefit myself. capricorn season just started baby!!!! i love capricorns i've never met a bad one. two of my best friends are capricorns. capricorn season is awesome. you know what isn't? mercury retrograde. booo. so yeah that starts on the 29th until january 18th...? IDK. nvm i just checked i was right im so fucking smart. anyways. yeah. mercury retrograde makes me paranoid because it's centered around issues concerning communnication, technology logistics, and travel. boooooooooooooo. i came across a tarot pulling stream by this one guy whose content i trust and i stuck around for the entire stream. it was only a general reading but some of it really struck a chord in me. i'll try not to think about it too much because what if it actually manifests thatd be so awkward but at the same time im so..erm um lol. so yeah. tldr. mercury retrograde sux, and also suck my balls. BLEHHHH.

earlier today i found out i live rent free in someone's head. i logged onto roblox and saw i had gotten a message from someone i had beef with in TWENTY EIGHTEEN (2018) and he was calling me a predator..? HELLO..???????? i dont even know what prompted this because i don't talk to like, anyone i knew back then except for like four people LOL..? AND THIS GUY IS TWENTY YEARS OLD TOO LIKE LOLLLLL? SEETHING OVER ROBLOX DRAMA FOUR YEARS AGO IN YOUR 20s I'M LITERALLY RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD IT'S INSANE. as far as i know i didn't even do anything insanely problematic to this guy like LOL i made a video calling him out for shitty things and was uppity about crediting content creators and shit but like CALLING ME A PREDATOR..?????? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM LOL..? mad because someone gave me the passwords to your roblox alts and i changed the password to them arent you. boohoo a 15 year old was mean to you on roblox. cope And seethe. i'm guessing he just wants a reaction out of me. unfortunately i do not respect people that self-harm bait me and also is not my friends so into the message archive it goes. that was weird i guess. moving on

i WILL say i was a genuinely mean-spirited and aggressive tweenager (13-16) stuck in a toxic circle + ideaology and i do reflect and look back on those times and cringe. what are you so angry about. get over it. i'm glad i've grown since then. now i'm #chill i think. i'm still my eccentric self i just keep it more contained and also i think before i do things. very interesting how teenage jordan though he knew everything. you are wrong bro! not like i know things now either i just take each day one step at a time and be kind to myself and usually others unless they deserve it and by deserve it i mean theyre mean to my friends. i don't care when people are mean to me. i just close my eyes and look away and kill them 43 times in my head. (obviously i am joking for the most part)

aaaaanyways. i've been on the yuri grind. i started reading How Do We Relationship? and I’m in Love with the Villainess. i loooove yuri. how do we relationship is soooo cute i love it so much so far. saeko is definitely my favorite, she's so real. not in a 'just like me for real' way though. i just understand her. that panel where she held hands and freaked out OUUGUH SHE GETS IT. SHE GETS ITTTT. shout out to gay people for real. i understand why my twitter mutual always went hard for that manga I GET ITTTT.

oh also i removed the notepad vent link from my index navigation. the page is still Up i just removed anything that directs to it. idk what i wanna do with it. i hate vulnerability (i say as i write on my internet diary)

hmmmm. nothing else to talk about i think. that's all i wanted to get out. check out this panel from How Do We Relationship? though it's pretty funny.

12/20/22 12:14AM
my normal guy slay. my normal guy slay. i debated on whether or not i wanted to put thisin the notepad vent page or keep it here. well. you can clearly see the answer here. i dunno. i dunno how i feel. on one hand, i am god's most optimistic soldier. everything works out one way or another, and everything is going to be okay in the end. if things aren't okay now then that means it isn't the end. a good sentiment to live by. but on the other hand i feel so lost. i don't know how i Feel. i'm just.. going. i'm doing things, alright! i'm doing my fucking best!! but that isn't true! i've been so fucking lazy and listless. finals week is over and my grades could have been better. i've never been an academic person, never will be. but my grades could have been better. if i just had an OUNCE of self discipline and restraint then i could have done better than i did. i feel like i'm struggling SO much and for what? nothing! fucking nothing! but it's okay. just gotta make it till the summer. just gotta persevere. things aren't okay. and that means it isn't the end.

i'm sort of stuck in a loop of regret. i've come to terms with the fact i will NEVER get closure on some things. sometimes things don't work out! sometimes people drift apart, sometimes friendships and relationships just end on bad terms and you're left wishing they atleast ended amicably! i'm stuck wondering how people perceive me, how the people i used to be friends with or close with see me. they definitely don't think of me anymore, but i'm stuck in this loop of regret and wishful thinking that maybe, just maybe, the stars will align and we can talk again. we can talk everything out and then go our separate ways again! it doesn't help the fact that this has literally happened before, albeit i was the one to reach out (shocker, i never reach out first. i just felt so SO bad about how i treated her that i just HAD to set things right) and it went how i expected. we forgave eachother, and went our own ways. i eventually got around to unfriending her on discord. some friendships and relations and bridges will be burned and it's better off that way. but i wish that each bridge that was burned was atleast done with goodwill. WOW I JUST LOOPED BACK AROUND WHO KNEW THAT WRITING THAT ALL DOWN WOULD IMPROVE MY MOOD, WHAT A SHOCKER. JK. NOT A SHOCKER. THAT IS WHY I AM JOURNALING. TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER. DID IT WORK? a little bit i guess.

there's a sense of comfort to be found in me being the way i am. i am very VERY aware of all that i do, of my thoughts, and my morals, ideals, and the like. i know who i am, but i don't have a strong sense of self. i'm like, my own OC. i am my life's writer and those around me control their own fate as well. as self-centered as i am, i wish everyone else would be as selfish as i am when it comes to comfort. i've been pretty fickle lately, if something discomforts me i throw it out IMMEDIATELY!! actually i always do this.. when i want to move on from someone i usually try and cut them out of every possible aspect in my life to try and move on and stop hurting. i have done this three times and it has not worked once. i still try, though. i will always carry this hurt in my heart but day by day it get's easier i think.. like. i dunno. i still get upset if i dwell on it too long but i don't dwell on it as long as i used to. of course i'm speaking in terms of the older of the two, the recent attempt and incident still stings and hurts and comes up much too frequently for my liking. and with me being the avoidant person i am, this is less than favorable. but it's okay. i wish i could process things quicker though. i am bad at words and planning out the things i want to genuinely say. i struggle to put how i genuinely feel about things into words, i hate hate hate being rushed or being put on the spot with how i feel about things. the world should revolve around me, give me a break so i can have some time for myself!

actually no one reads these right. like, i doubt people actually take the time out of their days to read my word vomit here. so can i say something embarassing. there's no backfiring on this either because whats gonna happen. is what i'm gonna say haunt or plague someone. i don't care anymore. i loved my ex so much. i started dating her as like a casual thing but i really did grow to love her and it genuinely fucking hurt to break up with him. and everything that followed after hurt like hell too, why the fuck did they self-destruct at max speed? and then fucking comment on my steam profile like HELLO.. A BIT WEIRD BUT LIKE I SEE where it's coming from but still it hurts a lot for things to turn out the way they did. oh well. nothing that can really be done there now can there. i'll move on eventually. we didn't even date for a month but they were such an important part of my life for that brief moment. when i like someone i go HARD and mannnnn. mannnnnn omg. whatever.

i am god's most optimistic soldier, and also his specialest little guy so things are bound to get better. i just wish god would send me a hot twink to hug me or something. i really need a hug. i am so fucking depressed. not really. i'm just experiencing a period of emptiness. i hit the lowest point of my life earlier. i started looking up character playlists on spotify because no one fucking plays this one game except for five people. i found a new song i like through it atleast. play ZENO by the way, just sayin. it's good, and also awesome. the inherent homoeroticism of cannibalism is awesome. if i was aki maeno i would simply not go insane and eat my best friends little sister. that's just me though. also, i downloaded overwatch 2. it's fun, i am just bad at the game and can't stick to a character. i had to make a new account because on my old one, the country was set to the United Arab Emirates due to the fact the account originally belonged to my friend when Overwatch 1 was a thing. he gave me the account. i can't change the country unless i go through a bunch of tedious hoops. i am too lazy for that. so i made a new account. i like valorant more though. my brain can't keep up with everything happening in an overwatch game. also people seem a little more mean in it. i am enjoying it though, believe it or not. i think i need mood stabilizers and adderall. that would unironically fix all my problems.

currently, i'm on a mission to become the #1 Wallows listener on the last.fm discord bot. my plan is to loop about 23 days worth of this ONE song over and over again. i did the math, trust me. that will take me pretty high up. i'm already in 38th place. it is simply a matter of time. ahahahahahaha. i am taking breaks every now and then though. my brain isn't THAT rotted. this song just came up in my youtube mix. i dont care if this is a song about "social anxiety" that shit isn't real. this song is about AUTISM, BITCH!!

i've also been thinking about ensemble stars again. i love ensemble stars sooo much. i havent been logging in lately i've been feeling too down to really put the energy in. but omggggggggggggg. i love eden and crazyb and tatsumi and kanata my scrunklies 4 lifeys. i love nagihiyo sooo much theyre so real to me. i also love arashi I WAS THINKINH ABOUT ARASHI SO MUCH TODAY I LOVE JEWEL STONE SOOO MUCH. I LOVE HER PERSONALITY TOO. SHES KIND OF REAL FOR HER SELF-LOVE SHIT. LIKE. I DO THAT. NOTHING MATTERS AS LONG AS I LOVE MYSELF AND ALSO WISH HARM UPON THE PEOPLE THAT HURT MY FRIENDS FEELINGS. shout out to her i guess. real recognizes real. DAMN I SPENT ALMOST 50 MINUTES JOURNALING TODAY DAMNNN DO I EVER SHUT UP (no i dont)

12/15/22 11:37PM

another day another moment spent lamenting my lack of physical strength. i love being depressed and also stressed the fuck out. it's great it's lovely i hope i die btw. i wish my house was safe enough for me to be able to write in a journal without being scared of someone going through it. i dont even know where this fear came from. i just have it. weird. also, my hand (wrist? fore arm?) gets sore and tired really quickly. i wouldnt be able to physically write as much as i do in this little digital journal/diary. i guess i just like having this digital space to express myself more than a physical journal or notebook. i mean, i DO have a small notebook that i occasionally use, but that's mostly for.. umm. lol. being delusional i guess. i swim in delusion but don't drown in it. does that make sense? no? idc.

finals week and miscellaneous irl stuff has been tough on me. i think yesterday was like, the worst day ever. i hate when people are mad at me and when i upset people i seriously might die if i ever make someone mad ever again. wehhhhhhhh. im ok though. im over it. i still find it hard to be kind to myself. but i'm trying. and that's what matters. also i miss my ex. which one? the one i dated. hope that helps. sorry this is just a train of conchesness right now ive had a lot on m,y mind these past few days.

i am a very avoidant person and i accel at avoiding painful memories and touchy subjects. i love avoiding things. i love letting bygones be bygones and letting things happen. heart emoji. just kidding. whenever things happen to me i need a week to process it and another week to determine how i actually feel about things. i hate being rushed. i'll kill myself (this is a joke btw. i would not do that)

recently ive been very put off by how someone has been interacting with me and it's a bit distressing. i don't mind it TOOOOOO much but still. scary, i guess. i hate when people are overfamiliar with me and call me their best friend when i havent known them long. but the last time this happened and i confronted it we stopped talking because i hurt their feelings and it felt like i shouldnt have brought it up at all. i dunno. i hate being called someones best friend unless i've talked with them for atleast a year. i get that sometimes people just Click but also it distresses the fuck out of me i guess? i dunno. whatever. why am i even upset THAT HAPPENED LIKE A YEAR OR SO AGO. GET OVER IT YOU FUCKING PUSSY sorry i should be kind to myself. whoops. practice kindness jordan come on GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.

ummmmmm what else did i wanna say. uhhhh. i dunnooooooo. i ordered melatonin gummies and my mom also ordered me some mouth guards because ive been grinding my teeth DID I ALREADY WRITE ABOUT THIS I DONT REMEMBER BUT WHATEVER all of that should come tomorrow I look forward to sleeping normally maybe. IDK IF I EVEN NEED THE MELATONIN TBH LIKE THE SEMESTER IS COMING TO AN END ON THE SEVENTEENTH LOL. Ok whatever its ok ITS OK its good to have i guess I ALSO ORDERED A COMPRESSED AIR DUSTER i love cleaning ive been playing viscera cleanup with friends recently i love cleaning its so fun it reminded me of when i tried to kill myself in 2020 and when my brother found me on the street he was trying to talk some motivation into me and he asked me what i wanted as a job and i said i wanted to be a crime scene cleaner. i still wanna be that i think. i also want to work in a forestry commission and be surrounded by nature. i also want to work a soulless boring administrative office job. i also want to be an artist. and also a web designer. the world is so limitless and beautiful isnt it. i just wish i wasnt severly mentally ill so that i could find the energy to do all these things. oh well. things will work out eventually. thats something im sure of.

auuuuuuuughdfgbndjbgbdkfgbjd gbd dg jgd dvndfvfdmnfsgkjd. uhhh. erm erme rmer erme remre rm erm erm. i like music a lot. i finished my wallows shrine a day or so ago and im really happy with how it turned out. hehehehehhehehe. OH ALSO UNRELATED. I MADE AN MP4 OF THE ENTIRETY OF THE 2002 MOVE THUNDERPANTS BUT SQUISHED DOWN TO 93MB SO THAT IT COULD FIT IN DISCORD ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY. i plan to make a page for that soon. its so fucking funny. literally the best movie ever it sucks so much shit.

idk how i wanna close out this entry. here's what im listening to rn i guess

12/12/22 1:58AM

REMINDER TO SELF: MAKE A PAGE ABOUT CHARACTERS I RELATE TO AN UNGODLY AMOUNT. or as the insane people like to call it. a kin list. i am almost 20 and still kin WHATEVER BACK OFF MAN. i made this kin onion a few days ago check it out

in case you or future me wont recognize the characters, the core character is charles eyler. going outwards to the next layer is wanderer / scaramouche in the top left. moving clockwise now. hiyori tomoe, minato toujou, noel levine. starting from the top center right now and moving clockwise is faust, manager x / ayin, keiichi maebara, ULAR, mahiru shiina, basil, aether, and astolfo.

some of these arent kins. and by some i mean one. it might be obvious. UNLISTED CHARACTERS well not really unlisted i made like a carrd a while back to list them all out. anyways i think in order of relatability the unlisted ones that arent as strong as these ones would probably be ummm.


NORMAN FROM THE PROMISED NEVERLAND. I think i have a savior complex. or maybe im crazy. anyways that part in the manga where emma was like You don't have to become a god. oh god. oh fuck. hes just like me for real. (throws up everywhere)(there's blood)

i still kinda have a savior complex but it's to a lesser degree. i know now that i cant save everyone ever. i can't fix people that don't want to be fixed or won't accept my help. doesn't stop me from feeling a little bad though. i just want everyone to be happy not my fault.

when i was like 15 i also related to jake english from homestuck a LOT and honestly in hindsight i still do? he's so fucking pathetic and weak and stupid i fuckin hate that guy but like he's so real to me it makes me sick and ill. I COMMISSIONED A DIRKJAKE FIC IN 2019 WHERE HE REACHES OUT TO HIS FRIENDS AND APOLOGIZES IT MAKES ME SICK (positive connotation) LIKE LOOK AT THIS SHIT

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING AUUUUUUUUGHJJFGBDJFGBJD i wont post the whole thing it's way too personal to me. but fuckkk WHY WAS I CRAZY AS FUCK? FOR SOME PUSSY? WAS NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. NOT AT FUCKING ALL. But yeah jake english fuckin sucks fuck that guy and fuck homestuck

uhhhhh who else. yesod. yesod from lobotomy corporation / library of ruina. i was kinassigned him by a friend. kind of real of them for that. i too have sensory issues that make me want to claw my skin off sometimes. OH AND OSWALD. I TOO WOULD TURN SOMEONE INTO A CIRCUS CLOWN IF IT MEANT THEYD BE HAPPY. I LOVE BRINGING HAPPINESS TO OTHER THROUGH MY WHIMSY AND SILLY ANTICS. REeal as fuck for that.

i should commission more artists. i like seeing art of my faves soo much. and also of my own characters. both are good. uwehhh.


12/11/22 9:31PM

i've been listening to some more 36 questions. literally the fucking podcast musical ever. it means soooo much to me. yesss jase your entire life is a lie and now you have to fucking cope with that HE'S SO FUCKING REAL FOR THAT. my favorite song is definitely Attachment. fuck i love this musical so much i might throw up. i wanted them to have a happy ending so bad but it's just..not possible or feasible for them. the damage is too great and they'll never be together ever again and both sides love eachother so much but they just can't be together FUCKKK I LOVE THIS MUSICAL IT'S SO REAL AND TIMELESS TO MEEE. AUUUUGH


so full of love rn. like woww. humanity is so beautiful and humans are so great and wonderful!!! there's so much to love in this world i dont understand nihilism. like i do understand it but like..nothing matters. NOTHING MATTERS!! DO WHAT YOU WANT!! YAAYYYYY!!! we should start sexualizing autistic people yes babe it's so attractive when you don't speak all day and when you do the only thing you can talk about is genshin impact lore and anime twinks.

i made myself cry pretty early in the day thinking about the bad things that happened to me in my life. i think i have a huge tendency to downplay the things that happened to me. maybe it's in part that i always like... try to understand why people are the way they are. i make excuses for the people that hurt me, and go "oh, they must have their own reasons for behaving this way! i'm sure they will learn and grow from this, surely (-:". and most of the time i'm right! they learn and grow! but other times they don't! for example, my dad! i fucking hate my dad! but also i don't! he absolutely has undiagnosed shit and it's incredibly telling that i am my fathers child. i understand Why he is the way he is but at the same time i hate him for it. he's just a product of his surroundings and environment and the people around him, i can't fault him for that. but at the same time he has been confronted on it and that he should Stop that! he's a grown ass man!! he hasn't even gotten better at not being Bad, i feel like he's just gotten better at covering it up! he fucking lashed out at me and my brother a while back and then went back to acting passive! i just wish he'd say sorry for once. i wish i could bring myself to truly and utterly hate someone too. there's probably only one person i hate in this world and they're dead, so.. what can i even do there. tell them to die? THEYRE ALREADY DEAD! i don't hate this understanding and empathetic side of myself but at the same time it's definitely brought me down sometimes Lol. WOW THAT WAS MUCHO TEXTO MY BAD, ANYWAYS I FEEL GREAT DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME. a positive mindset is such a wonderful thing..IT'S TOO EASY!!

12/10/22 12:42PM

new layout is out!! in the process of fixing pages i lost one (1) journal entry from the fifth of december. oh well. gone forever i guess. i dont even remember what it was about so i can't really retype it either. sob sob. either way, i really like the new layout i'm proud of myself hehe,.. i spent a lot of time on it even though its pretty simple so HEHE HOHO.

ummm i dont have much to report for the past few days. theyve been good though. i found out that in recent times i've probably been grinding my teeth in my sleep and it's been wearing my teeth down. one of my fillings cracked because of that. i talked to my mom and that became a segue into traumadumping about what's been up with me these past two months. my moms response is about what i expected. wasn't a BAD one but it doesn't help me much. atleast i got to let off some steam. anyways i need to either get a mouthguard for when i sleep or wear my retainers again. idk where the fuck my retainers are.

anyways, a salute for the old layouts. o7

and yes i changed the media page AGAIN leave me alone ok. thx.

also good lord i feel so faggy again. you ever hear someones voice and go ohhh i think i am gay. i dont even have a crush on this person i'm just woww please keep talking you are so attractive. in an aesthetic sense. i know nothing about this person and will probably not talk to them first so i'll die instead. but that's besides the point. actually there is no point i just think people are attractive sometimes LOL.

12/2/22 8:59PM

idont have anything to really share i just. i forgot to put my spotify wrapped somewhere. here it is. im normal i promise im so fucking normal imsorry

IM GONNA THROW UPPPPPPPPPPP. 2023 is my year for real. i will not have a crazy mental episode that makes me listen to the same song 700 times (Heart Emoji.) ummmm idk what else i really dont have much to share tbh. im happy with how my wallows shrine turned out, so there's that. i'm almost done with my astrology page though. so here's a sneak peek. i like how it's coming along..

I'm still not super happy with my media page so i might revamp that for the hundredth time later this month..

12/1/22 3:49PM

i'll finish this entry later i just want to have the december entry ready hello it's jordan from the future at 6:22pm. Hiii. It's december, and that means christmas is so so soon! only a week away!!!!!!!! you know whats actually a week away? scaramouche. i'm sick im nausous im gonna kill myself i'm god i'm so alive rn i'm gonna scream and cry and shit. honestly im just glad that november is over. that shit kinda sucked. new month new me new blessings though LETS GOOOO. I'm also looking forward to going to Alaska later this month, and by later i mean like right at the end of the month. wowie!

i've been working on a bunch of pages i want but i've been really tired lately. i mean. when am i not. i think i gamed a little too hard on beat saber, my back muscles are killing me and I wanna sleep for a million years ZZZZZZZZZ. i'm making an astrology page so i can talk about myself more because i'm only good at talking about myself if i'm analyzing myself like im a fictional character. i like how it's turning out so far! i love astrology. it isn't real. but it is. hope this helps.

the cold weather is beating my ass btw. i wanna stay in bed aaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllll day. snorrrrrk mimimimmimi, yknow? i want it to be spring already i miss the sunshine i miss the warmth i miss the sun hugging me like a gentle mother embracing her child. my professor let us out early the other day because she was so cold and our classroom had no heating LOL. speaking of school omfgggg im so sick and tired of my fucking history class dude FUCK why do discussions have to be over half my grade like idgaf about these. i'll pass tho. trucking thru it. yayhoo, yippy.

BACK TO REFLECTING ON LAST MONTH. u,mmm. idont rember lol. i got my monthly report on daylio though. nothing too surprising. i started using instagram again IDK IF I ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS BUT IDGAF ILL TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN FUCK U but ya im using instagram again ive just been posting my camera roll everyday like its a visual diary its fun i dont do anythin else. i like watching my friends stories though it kinda makes me miss snapchat but also anyone that uses snap can off themselves so shrug