9/22/22 2:22AM
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Started going outside again. There's some pokestops near my house so I've been walking my dog! Those doctors were not lying. Exercise everyday does lessen the mental illness. My friend bought me risk of rain 2, it's a really tiring game but I really enjoy it! i've been feeling sort of burnt out recently and i think it may be showing..ahhhhhhg. it's okay though. i'm stable. i am SO normal.

my classmate from highschool gave my number to his younger brother who was also my classmate. i didn't mind too much and i like talking to people so its okay. we're seeing a movie together on sunday. howls moving castle. i dont really remember shit from that movie im gonna be honest, but this guy is paying for the ticket and i think hes nice so i'm sure the day will be good! he's kind of a filmbro but it's okay, i respect the interests and its quite admirable.

the limbus company trailer and yunos 2nd trial mv released a bit ago too. i liked both of them a lot. i love anime murder and ayin game 3. yi sang and faust are so real to me and i am NOT delusional about them.. anyways, its 2:24 am as i close this off, oops!! here's what i'm listening to. i made a new spotify playlist for when i feel like i'm in a melancholy mood. don't take the playlist name and description too seriously, it's all lighthearted!

9/19/22 2:00AM
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Just. Chilling. Right. Now. Ive been getting kinda pissed off at mystic messenger but that's okay!! I have been pretty stable.. I also commissioned some Verine art which I'm really happy about ahahahha. I should start a collection of Verine commissions. He's the best ever and I am not insane or crazy or anything. I have jury duty. Here's the Verine commission by lesbeight on twitter!

I love it soooo much you have noo ideaaaa. I also added my notepad vents to the main page under the journal section. It's all venting! I love being mentally ill online for everyone to see! I might start going to the park again, the weather is finally going colder which I'm thankful for. I also wanna get back into playing pokemon go.. theres a few pokestops near my house which surprised me!!

also holy shit did you guys hear about that gta 6 leak shit. that's fucking crazy. like actually. like wowwwww what the fuck, you know? insane as fuck. someone is getting their ass sued to hell and back like goddamn dude!! i also started reading omniscient readers viewpoint, my twitter friend posted a link to read it so i decided to finally bite the bullet. i like it so far!

9/10/22 12:42AM
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My love for ChickenSmoothie has been revived! My friends got me back into playing and trading, I love collecting pretty animals. Specifically, I love butterfly wolves and fennec foxes. I rebuilt my wishlist and have been trading and going to the pound too. I really love this site, it truly was one of the real safe spaces I had in middle school and I am so thankful for that. Check out my little guy, and perhaps friend me and trade with me if you wish to.
Adopt virtual pets at Chicken Smoothie!

I wanna play more video games, I want to spend more time with my friend group, I love them all very much and have felt really appreciative of them lately. Of course, I love all my friends, but man. It's so crazy that I've been with these guys since like..2019??? Wow!!! I love my friends dude!!!!!!!!!!! I've been updating my video clip archive and I smile going through it. I dunno. I love my friends. Heehee.

Been playing more Stardew Valley and other games too. I love video game. Very fun.

To close off, I'm gonna rant a bit. I've been really tired recently. A lot of stuff happening but at the same time nothing at all. I feel really tired of college and of people. I just want to stick to my main friend group, I don't want to talk to anyone else or anyone outside of it. I've been feeling a lot of vague anxiety as well. My sleep schedule is also kind of fucked lol.

I don't really know How I feel right now. I'm really anxious about stuff but I rarely if ever confide in people so I guess I'll die lol. (Joking, by the way.)

9/4/22 11:40PM
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Mental illness is weird. I cope and manage my symptoms well, but often times I feel like I'm so close to snapping at someone that I get really scared. I really hope I can go back to therapy one day, but I feel like I've been doing too well that I wouldn't get diagnosed with anything. I don't even know if I really want a diagnosis. What would it change? Would it make my parents more understanding? I want to understand myself. I feel like I don't know who I am sometimes. My perception of myself changes on a whim that I fear I won't recognize myself 10 years from now. Lately I've been biding my time with video games so that I'm not left to my own devices and thoughts. I have problems, but I'm managing it. I'm managing it but I still want help. I want to know what exactly is wrong with me.

Was anyone else really down deep the rabbithole of anti self diagnosis and transmed/truscum stuff when they were younger? I was. I think it kind of fucked me up. I'm so scared to say I might have a disorder or that I'm neurodivergent. I've internalized a lot of self-hatred, I think. I'm trying to unlearn these..thoughts? ideals?? idk. i know it isn't wrong to self-diagnose. if didn't, i wouldn't have seeked out resources that relate to me. i have borderline traits, but i'm still iffy on saying i have BPD because it's such a serious thing to say that i have i guess, despite me having all the symptoms.

it was like this when i came to terms with being autistic too. i was like..there's no way i'm autistic. i make friends just fine, i don't have extreme sensory issues, i'm normal!!! and then i reflected back on the friends i had in high school and how some treated me and how i interacted with others and treated them, and how my family treated me when i was acting "weird". i thought i was just a quirked up asian boy, turns out i am just..autistic.

i want to seek therapy, help from a professional. just to genuinely sit down with a therapist or psychiatrist and genuinely find what's wrong with me, but i just don't think it's possible, atleast not right now. i've been coping well on my own but..i don't know. i just want to be a neet right now but unfortunately i'm a cringe and fail college student pursuing a degree that i don't feel anything for. lol.

things will be okay. i know that things work out in the end.

in other news, i have 300+ scrobbles/listens on cbat by hudson mohawke! i'm very normal. i don't even like the song that much, i just think it'd be funny to have a bunch of listens on it for this month. i've also been hunting for more afterl!fe assets and reassembled an old battle sprite. i love you verine. verine is my everything ever. i'm taking my sweet time with his shrine because i want it to be perfect.. verine deserves the bestest ever.

9/2/22 2:53AM
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Happy stink ball september everyone! Don't forget to refrain from showering to make sure your balls stink! September is off to a strong start so far. August was really good to me, my mood tracker claims I was pretty stable which is good. I love being stable and normal. I've been enjoying my in-person college courses too, it's so cool to learn things.. I'm doing a bit where I only where my kurtsworld96 shirt and hat to class. Kinda funny. Hope no one notices (i mean i do but yknow). I also went AFTERL!FE asset hunting again. I miss Verine so bad..I found a unassembled battle sprite and I put it back together. My girl looks so good I'm gonna scream and cry and throw up.. I look forward to what September has to offer and I'm super grateful for my friends (: